For Better or Worse

There is something about a wedding that seems to highlight whatever emotional state you happen to be in at that moment in your life. Happily in love? A wedding seems to bring a pang of joy. Just broken up? Suddenly a rush of memories flood back and you seem to be drowning. Single and alone? Jealousy or resentment or deep sadness seem to set in. Whatever the emotion, for that afternoon or evening, it seems to be like an elephant in a small room right in front of you.

I used to loathe weddings, dreaded them with a passion as couples got up and danced, smiled into each others faces, were reminded of the love they had and of which I was severely lacking. It was all about love, a love that I thought that I would never be privileged to enjoy. And even if I did, what were the chances that there would be groups this large that would celebrate the kind of love that I would have? What were the chances that any union I chose would even be legal?

I used to imagine the happy couple off on their honeymoon, enjoying the world, just the two of them, in wedded bliss. Like magic, I imagined, they were suddenly happy forever like a fairy tale. Of course, we all know that's not what really happens, but those were the musings of a child. That was my fantasy. At that time, I don't know that I even thought of it being possible with another man. Perhaps that's why I seemed to fall into a deep depression for several days after the big event. I thought that this was a world that I would never be privy to, a club that I would never be allowed to join.

I know it's not the wedding, though, that really matters. It's not the rings and the cake and the dancing. I know it's really about a commitment, a promise, a combining of two lives; and you don't need anyone there to share that with you except the partner you have chosen. As I grew older, I imagined a more private ceremony, just me and my partner on a beach in Australia and a couple of rings. Quiet, special, just me and him, forever. Times are changing, I know. Californians are preparing to get married by the droves after a recent change in law. It would seem that same sex couples are everywhere. Even still, I wonder if I will ever make it to such a blessed a day, a day about just me and my partner, committing forever.

I recently participated in a family wedding, one that was so packed with events and pictures and ceremony that I hardly had time to register what was happening much less be panged with a rush of emotion. I sat and watched the bride dance in the center of the room. It was her day, her joy to celebrate. All was well. Then my eyes scanned the rest of the room A gentleman I knew to be recently divorced sat to the side a little disturbed. It was obvious he was remembering happier times and longing for the past. A young couple across the way, still newlyweds, danced the fox trot together with big smiles. They were still in the prime of their joy together. A young woman sat alone across from her older aunts, shy and wondering if anyone would dance with her. She was wondering if her day would ever come, if she would ever be the one in the white dress. An older woman sat by herself as her daughter danced, remembering her late husband and longing for one last kiss.

For better or worse, it would seem that everyone had something to remember, something to ponder or agonize over, some emotion to explore or try to suppress. Almost a mental circus in a sense. I was better off than usual this time, although perhaps I should have had a few glasses of wine fewer than I did. It's sometimes hard to simply be happy for another without worrying about your own situation. I did my best, though, and I am truly happy for the couple and wish them all the happiness in the world.