The Past Running Into the Present

The 4th of July is one of those days (in Lexington, anyway) in which gay people seem to come out of the woodwork for a little celebration. People you haven't seen in years come out for the parade and an afternoon cocktail at the downtown bar in droves. One minute you're speaking to an old friend, and then you quickly turn around to see another as a hug comes your way along with another cocktail from you old friend working behind the counter. The event is almost famous amongst the gays of Lexington and widely known as one of he two must-attend events of the year (along with the decadent costumes and tinge of mischief of Halloween night), with even out-of-towners coming back for the festivities.

That being said, I must say that this past month marked my first time in attendance on the birthday of our nation, and I found it to be a little less than the most exciting day of my year. As I've relayed in previous entries, I had a wonderful time walking along with the parade and enjoying the company of some of my dearest friends. After those festivities, I headed indoors for a respite form the heat. I converged with the usual acquaintances near the top of the stairs sipping the usual vodka and cranberry. As I stood commentating on the crowd feeding up and down the stairs with my usual partner in crime best friend, I noticed the back of a gentleman that looked quite familiar. I wasn't 100% sure as he was somewhat muddled in the crowd and wore rather large black sunglasses that clouded the view of his face, but it looked like a gentleman I had been involved with many years before and had subsequently moved away to a far distant state. My heart skipped a beat or two as I moved to get a better angle and a close look. Yes, indeed it was him! I quickly considered the notion of going and speaking to hi. I imagined a big, boisterous hug and shout of glee, but quickly the possibility of him not recognizing me or remembering crept into my brain. I did look completely different than I did all those years ago. Oh, and some of the naive choices I made back then! I quickly nixed that idea. Then I struggled to think of what we would have to talk about or even have in common anymore, and how possibly awkward the exchange might be.

By the time I'd wrestled through all that in my brain, he had disappeared into the crowd, but then I began to notice others around me that I had once had some sort of social or romantic involvement with. Suddenly one was on the dance floor ahead of me, swaying his arms to the beat of the DJ above. Another was down at the other end of the bar engrossed in conversation. They were everywhere. I was trapped! What would if he came up to me? Then a list of things I had done or said to these people came rushing through my consciousness, embarrassing moments of vulnerability, cruelty, or shame. Or all three. Suddenly I was claustrophobic. I found it hard to keep my breath. Think of all those bridges I had burned, those people I had alienated, whether purposefully or incidentally through my actions. I couldn't take anymore!....


After an anxious drive home and a much needed nap that afternoon, it occurred to me that perhaps our pasts never really leave us. Always, it is there in the background, it makes up who we are: each lesson, each event, each romantic disaster. No matter how clean a break we attempt to make or how completely we burn those bridges, that emotional stamp is always there like a shadow, forever. I suppose I already knew this, or perhaps I had chosen to forget. How quickly that knowledge comes back when faced with so many demons at once.

Quote of the Week #7

I need someone to love me,

darling I know you can,

don't you put yourself above me,

you just love me like a man.

Diana Krall from -Love Me Like A Man

Dissed

I was reading through a magazine last night, when I came upon a blurb of random facts and interesting information. Nothing terribly unusual there, at least not until I scanned down about 3/4 of the page to see a website listed there: whywasidissed.com. hmmmm. Let's break that down: Why-was-I-Dissed? Interesting enough. I read on below the address where it was explained that at this particular website, you can have an ex interviewed by the site to discover why he or she broke up with you, and apparently, it's all free!

Of course, my immediate reaction was to go to the site and investigate further into the workings of this apparent miracle-working internet apparatus. Surely it couldn't possibly be that easy! Surely it wasn't possible to avoid all the questioning, self-doubt, puzzlement, and heartache over being dumped and to just get directly down to the bottom of the issue to find out why!

If only I had known about this sooner, I thought as my fingers moved along the mouse to click on the web address. Without a lot of pomp and circumstance, the site laid it out right there in front of me clearly and easily enough. By answering a few simple questions about yourself and providing an e-mail address of the person you want to question, you can be on your way to knowing the truth. There are even forums for the 'dissed' to relay their stories and support each other in their grief. And if you don't get the answers you are looking for or need extra support, you an even consult the advice of their 'dating doctor.'

All so easy, all so available. My fingers were right there ready to put a name in.......and then I stopped. What was I doing? Did I really want to know why someone didn't think enough of me to tell me directly in the first place? Did I really want to know the truth?

Suddenly there were two sides to the coin. At this point in my life, any such inquiry would only be reopening old wounds that I worked hard to heal. And yet, there is still a part of me that wants to ask old lovers what exactly went wrong so as to learn from those mistakes and avoid them in the future. Perhaps the truth is more painful that its worth, though, or clouded by misperceptions. It's impossible to know.

Then I have to beg the question: if I were sent such an inquiry, what exactly would I say went wrong? Why did I diss some of those that I did? On that side of the coin, I don't know that I would want to revisit some of those mistakes!

On one part of the description for the site, it states that everyone deserves respect, and I would have to agree that truth is part of that respect. While I do believe I would be honest if asked, I don't know that I could trust what was said by some of those that let me go. So, still, there would be questions, doubt, and uncertainty. Perhaps it is better just to let it all go than to question and agonize over the endless possibilities. Easier said than done, I know, but still the ideal. Then again, we don't always get what we seek.

So for now, I'm closing the web-page on this one. Don't think I won't go back and visit, though, if and when the next time I am 'dissed' comes along. Only time will tell if I'll put that name in that box and hit the button to 'start investigation.'

Marching Down Main Street

I did something a little bit out of my character this past holiday weekend. Rarely would I take an opportunity that would so openly pronounce myself as gay in front of thousands of people; but this past Friday, I did just that.

I met a couple of my friends downtown on the 4th for the holiday celebrations, at which point I was asked whether or not I wanted to walk in the parade with the fairness alliance. Never being afraid to try something new, I said that that sounded alright and waited in line with the hundred or so other parade entries for the festivities to start. I don't think I really knew what I was agreeing to until we started to round the bend towards the beginning of the long line of parade observers on both sides of the street. Then it began to dawn on me how exposed I was suddenly making myself. My palms began to sweat a little and I began looking around with a bit of trepidation. Children were licking pink and yellow popsicles, young men and women held their dogs on leashes, people were waving. All eyes were on us as the speakers from the float blared out the song We Are Family on a continuous loop. My heart leapt for just a second and I nearly had a moment of panic.

I kept moving, though, as the parade progressed, slowly losing my fear and going with the flow of things. "It's too late, now," I thought as moved along. The farther along we got, the more at ease I felt, and it seemed that we got more cheers and applause than boos and dirty looks. Only once did I look to my right to see a young man with his fist held up in a thumb's down pose. Only this once did I see an overt display of disapproval. While there were several in the crowd who simply preferred not to look or stared on to the next parade entry as we passed, only this one man felt it necessary to be so blatant. In a town in the middle of the Midwest, I was surprised and pleased to see at least a tolerance if not a full blown acceptance of what we were there for. For that matter, I surprised myself in allowing myself to participate in such an event so publicly and openly. There were several points along the parade route where people from the crowd actually broached the sidewalk viewing line and actually came to join in the march; and each time, they were accepted with the grateful applause of those of us already in the march.

By the end of the parade, I was a bit overwhelmed with a sense of actually having accomplished something, even if it was only the act of moving one foot in front of the other in the middle of the street. What I was more proud of, though, was the many who took the steps to join us on the route in front of all those around them and those who cheered for us and waved with approval. Just one small step towards further acceptance and a more integrated city full of great people.

Lexington Pride In Video

Pride In Video

Here are a few scenes from the recent pride festival in Lexington.

Happy 4th Of July

Just a quick word today to wish everyone a happy holiday. If the rain holds off, I will be going downtown to watch the big parade this afternoon for the first time. Perhaps I will wear swimming shorts in case it does rain. In any case, I hope the day finds everyone well and that you get to wave a sparkler or two into the night air this evening in a little bit of celebration.

Happy 4th of July

Quote of the Week #6

You won't believe just how good it can get

We'll make a lover out of you yet

-Jakob Dylan from How good it can get

Greetings From Unexpected Places

I had left the pride festival on Saturday to go to dinner with several of my friends, when something rather unusual happened. It was obvious where we had been as several of us had the rainbow t-shirts on that stated that exactly, so it could hardly have been expected that any of us would be anything but gay. We were back in the real world of Kentucky, out of the fantasy land of total acceptance, and we got a stare or two from some of the patrons. As we were a rather large group, we had some downtime in the lobby until a table of the appropriate size was ready. It was just us and one older couple who were perusing the menu for their selections before being seated.

We were all talking, having a jovial conversation, hardly even noticing, when the older gentleman very cordially asked one of us if we had had an enjoyable time downtown and how everything went. I was taken aback! There was no pretense or assumption or anything derogatory whatsoever about the question or the interest he showed in our answer. He was simply genuinely interested and wanted to wish us well. Right here in front of us, an older couple, probably in their sixties, with a subtle message of acceptance, right in the middle of central Kentucky. My heart beamed for a moment, and we all thanked him sincerely back for his interest and for asking as his hand held buzzer went off to indicate that his table was ready. I couldn't help but smile. Now, if only everyone could be like that.

Win 'em over one person at a time. One American, one human, one individual person at a time.

First Pride

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As you may or may not know, Lexington held it's first gay pride festival this past weekend to a surprisingly large crowd of over a thousand people. Many had their doubts that such an event would ever grace the streets of main street without a torrent of backlash or that it would be so well attended by the likes of so many in the area that are rarely apt to appear at or participate in community events such as this. Drag Queens danced and performed right on the old courthouse steps to the delight of all that watched. Artwork from local artists stood up for silent auction. Old friends greeted each other with hugs and warm wishes over afternoon cocktails. Gifts and literature and acceptance abounded; and all the while I didn't have even the slightest inkling of fear or embarrassment about who I was, where I was at, who I was with, or what any of that meant to anybody else. At least for a moment in the heart of central Kentucky, it was ok to be gay, and that's saying something.

It would seem that in this very conservative, mid-western part of our world, we have made a little progress in the area of acceptance. Not once did I see anyone on the outskirts jeering or voicing any disapproval. I spent most of the day out in the beautiful sun that graced the park instead of the torrential rain that had been forecast for the bulk of the day. Perhaps someone was looking out for us. Nothing was going to stop us today. Politicians gave speeches, children ate hot dogs and drank sodas, men and women everywhere sported shirts with rainbows across the front and bracelets proclaiming, we are family. I even saw several booths sell out completely of the souvenirs of the day. Everywhere, it seemed, all was good, it was a great day for a little pride.

Thank you Lexington, for a wonderful afternoon.

The first annual Lexington pride festival was held at Cheapside Park in Lexington, Kentucky on June 28, 2008.

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