.....goodbye for now, see you again soon!
-lostlinus.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Hiatus
Well, after much thought and consideration, I have decided that I am going to take a hiatus from this blog in order to take some time to decide whether to continue in this direction or move into another. Part of me feels that I have exhausted the overall subject of the blog, or at least my interest in dissecting it to its innermost depths at this time. In addition, there are several other aspects of my life that are currently requiring more of my attention, thus, leaving me with less time to write here. I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to visit, read and leave comments. It has been an experience. I hope you have taken something valuable from this as well. If I do not return here, you will see me again soon, perhaps with a new subject and new direction. I wish you all the best.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Past Running Into the Present
The 4th of July is one of those days (in Lexington, anyway) in which gay people seem to come out of the woodwork for a little celebration. People you haven't seen in years come out for the parade and an afternoon cocktail at the downtown bar in droves. One minute you're speaking to an old friend, and then you quickly turn around to see another as a hug comes your way along with another cocktail from you old friend working behind the counter. The event is almost famous amongst the gays of Lexington and widely known as one of he two must-attend events of the year (along with the decadent costumes and tinge of mischief of Halloween night), with even out-of-towners coming back for the festivities.
That being said, I must say that this past month marked my first time in attendance on the birthday of our nation, and I found it to be a little less than the most exciting day of my year. As I've relayed in previous entries, I had a wonderful time walking along with the parade and enjoying the company of some of my dearest friends. After those festivities, I headed indoors for a respite form the heat. I converged with the usual acquaintances near the top of the stairs sipping the usual vodka and cranberry. As I stood commentating on the crowd feeding up and down the stairs with my usual partner in crime best friend, I noticed the back of a gentleman that looked quite familiar. I wasn't 100% sure as he was somewhat muddled in the crowd and wore rather large black sunglasses that clouded the view of his face, but it looked like a gentleman I had been involved with many years before and had subsequently moved away to a far distant state. My heart skipped a beat or two as I moved to get a better angle and a close look. Yes, indeed it was him! I quickly considered the notion of going and speaking to hi. I imagined a big, boisterous hug and shout of glee, but quickly the possibility of him not recognizing me or remembering crept into my brain. I did look completely different than I did all those years ago. Oh, and some of the naive choices I made back then! I quickly nixed that idea. Then I struggled to think of what we would have to talk about or even have in common anymore, and how possibly awkward the exchange might be.
By the time I'd wrestled through all that in my brain, he had disappeared into the crowd, but then I began to notice others around me that I had once had some sort of social or romantic involvement with. Suddenly one was on the dance floor ahead of me, swaying his arms to the beat of the DJ above. Another was down at the other end of the bar engrossed in conversation. They were everywhere. I was trapped! What would if he came up to me? Then a list of things I had done or said to these people came rushing through my consciousness, embarrassing moments of vulnerability, cruelty, or shame. Or all three. Suddenly I was claustrophobic. I found it hard to keep my breath. Think of all those bridges I had burned, those people I had alienated, whether purposefully or incidentally through my actions. I couldn't take anymore!....
After an anxious drive home and a much needed nap that afternoon, it occurred to me that perhaps our pasts never really leave us. Always, it is there in the background, it makes up who we are: each lesson, each event, each romantic disaster. No matter how clean a break we attempt to make or how completely we burn those bridges, that emotional stamp is always there like a shadow, forever. I suppose I already knew this, or perhaps I had chosen to forget. How quickly that knowledge comes back when faced with so many demons at once.
That being said, I must say that this past month marked my first time in attendance on the birthday of our nation, and I found it to be a little less than the most exciting day of my year. As I've relayed in previous entries, I had a wonderful time walking along with the parade and enjoying the company of some of my dearest friends. After those festivities, I headed indoors for a respite form the heat. I converged with the usual acquaintances near the top of the stairs sipping the usual vodka and cranberry. As I stood commentating on the crowd feeding up and down the stairs with my usual partner in crime best friend, I noticed the back of a gentleman that looked quite familiar. I wasn't 100% sure as he was somewhat muddled in the crowd and wore rather large black sunglasses that clouded the view of his face, but it looked like a gentleman I had been involved with many years before and had subsequently moved away to a far distant state. My heart skipped a beat or two as I moved to get a better angle and a close look. Yes, indeed it was him! I quickly considered the notion of going and speaking to hi. I imagined a big, boisterous hug and shout of glee, but quickly the possibility of him not recognizing me or remembering crept into my brain. I did look completely different than I did all those years ago. Oh, and some of the naive choices I made back then! I quickly nixed that idea. Then I struggled to think of what we would have to talk about or even have in common anymore, and how possibly awkward the exchange might be.
By the time I'd wrestled through all that in my brain, he had disappeared into the crowd, but then I began to notice others around me that I had once had some sort of social or romantic involvement with. Suddenly one was on the dance floor ahead of me, swaying his arms to the beat of the DJ above. Another was down at the other end of the bar engrossed in conversation. They were everywhere. I was trapped! What would if he came up to me? Then a list of things I had done or said to these people came rushing through my consciousness, embarrassing moments of vulnerability, cruelty, or shame. Or all three. Suddenly I was claustrophobic. I found it hard to keep my breath. Think of all those bridges I had burned, those people I had alienated, whether purposefully or incidentally through my actions. I couldn't take anymore!....
After an anxious drive home and a much needed nap that afternoon, it occurred to me that perhaps our pasts never really leave us. Always, it is there in the background, it makes up who we are: each lesson, each event, each romantic disaster. No matter how clean a break we attempt to make or how completely we burn those bridges, that emotional stamp is always there like a shadow, forever. I suppose I already knew this, or perhaps I had chosen to forget. How quickly that knowledge comes back when faced with so many demons at once.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Quote of the Week #7
I need someone to love me,
darling I know you can,
don't you put yourself above me,
you just love me like a man.
Diana Krall from -Love Me Like A Man
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Dissed
I was reading through a magazine last night, when I came upon a blurb of random facts and interesting information. Nothing terribly unusual there, at least not until I scanned down about 3/4 of the page to see a website listed there: whywasidissed.com. hmmmm. Let's break that down: Why-was-I-Dissed? Interesting enough. I read on below the address where it was explained that at this particular website, you can have an ex interviewed by the site to discover why he or she broke up with you, and apparently, it's all free!
Of course, my immediate reaction was to go to the site and investigate further into the workings of this apparent miracle-working internet apparatus. Surely it couldn't possibly be that easy! Surely it wasn't possible to avoid all the questioning, self-doubt, puzzlement, and heartache over being dumped and to just get directly down to the bottom of the issue to find out why!
If only I had known about this sooner, I thought as my fingers moved along the mouse to click on the web address. Without a lot of pomp and circumstance, the site laid it out right there in front of me clearly and easily enough. By answering a few simple questions about yourself and providing an e-mail address of the person you want to question, you can be on your way to knowing the truth. There are even forums for the 'dissed' to relay their stories and support each other in their grief. And if you don't get the answers you are looking for or need extra support, you an even consult the advice of their 'dating doctor.'
All so easy, all so available. My fingers were right there ready to put a name in.......and then I stopped. What was I doing? Did I really want to know why someone didn't think enough of me to tell me directly in the first place? Did I really want to know the truth?
Suddenly there were two sides to the coin. At this point in my life, any such inquiry would only be reopening old wounds that I worked hard to heal. And yet, there is still a part of me that wants to ask old lovers what exactly went wrong so as to learn from those mistakes and avoid them in the future. Perhaps the truth is more painful that its worth, though, or clouded by misperceptions. It's impossible to know.
Then I have to beg the question: if I were sent such an inquiry, what exactly would I say went wrong? Why did I diss some of those that I did? On that side of the coin, I don't know that I would want to revisit some of those mistakes!
On one part of the description for the site, it states that everyone deserves respect, and I would have to agree that truth is part of that respect. While I do believe I would be honest if asked, I don't know that I could trust what was said by some of those that let me go. So, still, there would be questions, doubt, and uncertainty. Perhaps it is better just to let it all go than to question and agonize over the endless possibilities. Easier said than done, I know, but still the ideal. Then again, we don't always get what we seek.
So for now, I'm closing the web-page on this one. Don't think I won't go back and visit, though, if and when the next time I am 'dissed' comes along. Only time will tell if I'll put that name in that box and hit the button to 'start investigation.'
Of course, my immediate reaction was to go to the site and investigate further into the workings of this apparent miracle-working internet apparatus. Surely it couldn't possibly be that easy! Surely it wasn't possible to avoid all the questioning, self-doubt, puzzlement, and heartache over being dumped and to just get directly down to the bottom of the issue to find out why!
If only I had known about this sooner, I thought as my fingers moved along the mouse to click on the web address. Without a lot of pomp and circumstance, the site laid it out right there in front of me clearly and easily enough. By answering a few simple questions about yourself and providing an e-mail address of the person you want to question, you can be on your way to knowing the truth. There are even forums for the 'dissed' to relay their stories and support each other in their grief. And if you don't get the answers you are looking for or need extra support, you an even consult the advice of their 'dating doctor.'
All so easy, all so available. My fingers were right there ready to put a name in.......and then I stopped. What was I doing? Did I really want to know why someone didn't think enough of me to tell me directly in the first place? Did I really want to know the truth?
Suddenly there were two sides to the coin. At this point in my life, any such inquiry would only be reopening old wounds that I worked hard to heal. And yet, there is still a part of me that wants to ask old lovers what exactly went wrong so as to learn from those mistakes and avoid them in the future. Perhaps the truth is more painful that its worth, though, or clouded by misperceptions. It's impossible to know.
Then I have to beg the question: if I were sent such an inquiry, what exactly would I say went wrong? Why did I diss some of those that I did? On that side of the coin, I don't know that I would want to revisit some of those mistakes!
On one part of the description for the site, it states that everyone deserves respect, and I would have to agree that truth is part of that respect. While I do believe I would be honest if asked, I don't know that I could trust what was said by some of those that let me go. So, still, there would be questions, doubt, and uncertainty. Perhaps it is better just to let it all go than to question and agonize over the endless possibilities. Easier said than done, I know, but still the ideal. Then again, we don't always get what we seek.
So for now, I'm closing the web-page on this one. Don't think I won't go back and visit, though, if and when the next time I am 'dissed' comes along. Only time will tell if I'll put that name in that box and hit the button to 'start investigation.'
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Marching Down Main Street
I did something a little bit out of my character this past holiday weekend. Rarely would I take an opportunity that would so openly pronounce myself as gay in front of thousands of people; but this past Friday, I did just that.
I met a couple of my friends downtown on the 4th for the holiday celebrations, at which point I was asked whether or not I wanted to walk in the parade with the fairness alliance. Never being afraid to try something new, I said that that sounded alright and waited in line with the hundred or so other parade entries for the festivities to start. I don't think I really knew what I was agreeing to until we started to round the bend towards the beginning of the long line of parade observers on both sides of the street. Then it began to dawn on me how exposed I was suddenly making myself. My palms began to sweat a little and I began looking around with a bit of trepidation. Children were licking pink and yellow popsicles, young men and women held their dogs on leashes, people were waving. All eyes were on us as the speakers from the float blared out the song We Are Family on a continuous loop. My heart leapt for just a second and I nearly had a moment of panic.
I kept moving, though, as the parade progressed, slowly losing my fear and going with the flow of things. "It's too late, now," I thought as moved along. The farther along we got, the more at ease I felt, and it seemed that we got more cheers and applause than boos and dirty looks. Only once did I look to my right to see a young man with his fist held up in a thumb's down pose. Only this once did I see an overt display of disapproval. While there were several in the crowd who simply preferred not to look or stared on to the next parade entry as we passed, only this one man felt it necessary to be so blatant. In a town in the middle of the Midwest, I was surprised and pleased to see at least a tolerance if not a full blown acceptance of what we were there for. For that matter, I surprised myself in allowing myself to participate in such an event so publicly and openly. There were several points along the parade route where people from the crowd actually broached the sidewalk viewing line and actually came to join in the march; and each time, they were accepted with the grateful applause of those of us already in the march.
By the end of the parade, I was a bit overwhelmed with a sense of actually having accomplished something, even if it was only the act of moving one foot in front of the other in the middle of the street. What I was more proud of, though, was the many who took the steps to join us on the route in front of all those around them and those who cheered for us and waved with approval. Just one small step towards further acceptance and a more integrated city full of great people.
I met a couple of my friends downtown on the 4th for the holiday celebrations, at which point I was asked whether or not I wanted to walk in the parade with the fairness alliance. Never being afraid to try something new, I said that that sounded alright and waited in line with the hundred or so other parade entries for the festivities to start. I don't think I really knew what I was agreeing to until we started to round the bend towards the beginning of the long line of parade observers on both sides of the street. Then it began to dawn on me how exposed I was suddenly making myself. My palms began to sweat a little and I began looking around with a bit of trepidation. Children were licking pink and yellow popsicles, young men and women held their dogs on leashes, people were waving. All eyes were on us as the speakers from the float blared out the song We Are Family on a continuous loop. My heart leapt for just a second and I nearly had a moment of panic.
I kept moving, though, as the parade progressed, slowly losing my fear and going with the flow of things. "It's too late, now," I thought as moved along. The farther along we got, the more at ease I felt, and it seemed that we got more cheers and applause than boos and dirty looks. Only once did I look to my right to see a young man with his fist held up in a thumb's down pose. Only this once did I see an overt display of disapproval. While there were several in the crowd who simply preferred not to look or stared on to the next parade entry as we passed, only this one man felt it necessary to be so blatant. In a town in the middle of the Midwest, I was surprised and pleased to see at least a tolerance if not a full blown acceptance of what we were there for. For that matter, I surprised myself in allowing myself to participate in such an event so publicly and openly. There were several points along the parade route where people from the crowd actually broached the sidewalk viewing line and actually came to join in the march; and each time, they were accepted with the grateful applause of those of us already in the march.
By the end of the parade, I was a bit overwhelmed with a sense of actually having accomplished something, even if it was only the act of moving one foot in front of the other in the middle of the street. What I was more proud of, though, was the many who took the steps to join us on the route in front of all those around them and those who cheered for us and waved with approval. Just one small step towards further acceptance and a more integrated city full of great people.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Happy 4th Of July
Just a quick word today to wish everyone a happy holiday. If the rain holds off, I will be going downtown to watch the big parade this afternoon for the first time. Perhaps I will wear swimming shorts in case it does rain. In any case, I hope the day finds everyone well and that you get to wave a sparkler or two into the night air this evening in a little bit of celebration.
Happy 4th of July
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Quote of the Week #6
You won't believe just how good it can get
We'll make a lover out of you yet
-Jakob Dylan from How good it can get
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Greetings From Unexpected Places
I had left the pride festival on Saturday to go to dinner with several of my friends, when something rather unusual happened. It was obvious where we had been as several of us had the rainbow t-shirts on that stated that exactly, so it could hardly have been expected that any of us would be anything but gay. We were back in the real world of Kentucky, out of the fantasy land of total acceptance, and we got a stare or two from some of the patrons. As we were a rather large group, we had some downtime in the lobby until a table of the appropriate size was ready. It was just us and one older couple who were perusing the menu for their selections before being seated.
We were all talking, having a jovial conversation, hardly even noticing, when the older gentleman very cordially asked one of us if we had had an enjoyable time downtown and how everything went. I was taken aback! There was no pretense or assumption or anything derogatory whatsoever about the question or the interest he showed in our answer. He was simply genuinely interested and wanted to wish us well. Right here in front of us, an older couple, probably in their sixties, with a subtle message of acceptance, right in the middle of central Kentucky. My heart beamed for a moment, and we all thanked him sincerely back for his interest and for asking as his hand held buzzer went off to indicate that his table was ready. I couldn't help but smile. Now, if only everyone could be like that.
Win 'em over one person at a time. One American, one human, one individual person at a time.
We were all talking, having a jovial conversation, hardly even noticing, when the older gentleman very cordially asked one of us if we had had an enjoyable time downtown and how everything went. I was taken aback! There was no pretense or assumption or anything derogatory whatsoever about the question or the interest he showed in our answer. He was simply genuinely interested and wanted to wish us well. Right here in front of us, an older couple, probably in their sixties, with a subtle message of acceptance, right in the middle of central Kentucky. My heart beamed for a moment, and we all thanked him sincerely back for his interest and for asking as his hand held buzzer went off to indicate that his table was ready. I couldn't help but smile. Now, if only everyone could be like that.
Win 'em over one person at a time. One American, one human, one individual person at a time.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
First Pride
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As you may or may not know, Lexington held it's first gay pride festival this past weekend to a surprisingly large crowd of over a thousand people. Many had their doubts that such an event would ever grace the streets of main street without a torrent of backlash or that it would be so well attended by the likes of so many in the area that are rarely apt to appear at or participate in community events such as this. Drag Queens danced and performed right on the old courthouse steps to the delight of all that watched. Artwork from local artists stood up for silent auction. Old friends greeted each other with hugs and warm wishes over afternoon cocktails. Gifts and literature and acceptance abounded; and all the while I didn't have even the slightest inkling of fear or embarrassment about who I was, where I was at, who I was with, or what any of that meant to anybody else. At least for a moment in the heart of central Kentucky, it was ok to be gay, and that's saying something.
It would seem that in this very conservative, mid-western part of our world, we have made a little progress in the area of acceptance. Not once did I see anyone on the outskirts jeering or voicing any disapproval. I spent most of the day out in the beautiful sun that graced the park instead of the torrential rain that had been forecast for the bulk of the day. Perhaps someone was looking out for us. Nothing was going to stop us today. Politicians gave speeches, children ate hot dogs and drank sodas, men and women everywhere sported shirts with rainbows across the front and bracelets proclaiming, we are family. I even saw several booths sell out completely of the souvenirs of the day. Everywhere, it seemed, all was good, it was a great day for a little pride.
Thank you Lexington, for a wonderful afternoon.
The first annual Lexington pride festival was held at Cheapside Park in Lexington, Kentucky on June 28, 2008.
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Thursday, June 26, 2008
Happy Anniversary
I have been waiting for it to come for about a month now, and today I nearly let it go and forgot completely that today is the one year anniversary of this very blog. It began on a warm day last June when I stumbled upon the template that allowed me to create this blog and begin the type-key journey that has brought me to yet another warm June day, one of the hottest so far this year, one partly filled with sunshine and a thunderstorm or two. Funny, that seems to be how the past year has gone, a mix of deep emotional storms and bright happy days.
I had my doubts as to whether I was going to make to this milestone and actually stick with it for an entire year or longer, but it seems to have crept up on me faster than I had thought. What strikes me even more is how different a place I am in this year as compared to where I was just 365 days ago. I was in a place where I was focused on what I had lost or was losing (mainly significant others) rather than what I had in front of me or what I was gaining. There have been a number of relationships (platonic and otherwise) that have grown so much this past year that I can't imagine how I ever made it without them before. While I do forget sometimes, I have been blessed with a myriad of good people around me, and that network of support seems to have truly solidified itself this past year to a point that I am truly comfortable simply being myself.
It's been a rocky year of ups and downs, drama, betrayal, laughter, and fun. Almost like one big giant soap opera. I guess that's what most of us get, a soap opera starring ourselves that only really ends when we die, if then. Every time I complained of being bored, something was always there to take that away in a second, often to the point that I begged for the boredom back. But I guess that is no different that any other year in my life or anyone else's for that matter. Everything just seemed to have been a little more exaggerated and extreme and in a greater state of flux this past year or so. I don't imagine the next year will be any less roller-coasterish, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I had my doubts as to whether I was going to make to this milestone and actually stick with it for an entire year or longer, but it seems to have crept up on me faster than I had thought. What strikes me even more is how different a place I am in this year as compared to where I was just 365 days ago. I was in a place where I was focused on what I had lost or was losing (mainly significant others) rather than what I had in front of me or what I was gaining. There have been a number of relationships (platonic and otherwise) that have grown so much this past year that I can't imagine how I ever made it without them before. While I do forget sometimes, I have been blessed with a myriad of good people around me, and that network of support seems to have truly solidified itself this past year to a point that I am truly comfortable simply being myself.
It's been a rocky year of ups and downs, drama, betrayal, laughter, and fun. Almost like one big giant soap opera. I guess that's what most of us get, a soap opera starring ourselves that only really ends when we die, if then. Every time I complained of being bored, something was always there to take that away in a second, often to the point that I begged for the boredom back. But I guess that is no different that any other year in my life or anyone else's for that matter. Everything just seemed to have been a little more exaggerated and extreme and in a greater state of flux this past year or so. I don't imagine the next year will be any less roller-coasterish, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
To the year that was 26 June 2007 to 26 June 2008.
Let's hope the next one is just as memorable.
Happy Anniversary Modern Gay Romance.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Bright Yellow Rain
I had a dream last night, or more of a vision in a half-conscious state. The world was black, or deep blue, the same as the night sky. All was dark, no stars, no moon, nothing. And form the sky came a bright yellow rain, like paint down out of nowhere, covering the rooftops, flowing over gutter edge, filling the cracks in the sidewalk. Drips of thick, deeply bright yellow almost cartoonish in their curves and drops and brightness as if it were all out of a graphic novel, pouring over the infinite, abandoned blackness. On and on it went, this contrast, the bright rain and the dark world, never mixing, just one on top of, next to, and around the other.
Such is the state of my mind these days, a paradox of improbable possibilities and contradictions that don't seem to be able to resolve themselves. Emotionally and socially exhausted after a long stretch of events and happenings these past couple of years, I am at a loss as to where to go from here. Part of me wants to just disappear for a while, take a sabbatical to the other side of the country or the other side of the world after throwing my cell phone into the deepest lake I can find. Part of me feels the deepest need to create something, to inject this state of confusion into a paint brush and throw it onto a canvas or dip my hands into a ball of clay and contort it to no end. Part of me wants to start over completely and leave everything behind, and part of me wants simply to get through the next day with some semblance of sanity.
It's funny how the state of mind can alter so dramatically. Really, nothing has changed in my life physically, and no one has left my little circle of a world for me to mourn over. Nothing new has appeared to disrupt my state of being; and yet everything about my emotionally state seems to have shifted so far from where it was before that I don't see a way of getting back. Perhaps it is simply the introverted part of my personality finally reappearing after a very long hiatus, draining me of all of my energy and forcing me to withdraw and refuel for the next adventure. The only problem with that is that I cannot for the life of me see what the next adventure is or even get a semblance of an idea of what direction it will lead me. Perhaps this is what happens to people who don't have children and will most likely never have children. There comes a point where you wonder what exactly the point of it all is. If there is no one to pass the torch on to, no legacy or next generation and no prospect of one, then you are pretty much the end of the line. There is no more. It becomes a world about you and you alone, a selfish world, and surely that is not all that life is supposed to be about.
Perhaps that is the challenge, to find whatever it is I can do to pass on what is me to those around me and those to come, even if they aren't necessarily 'mine.' Perhaps it is my challenge in this life to find a greater purpose and make my own existence worth more that what it appears on the surface. I just wish there was some clue as to what that purpose is supposed to be. I just wish there was some way to figure out where the bright yellow rain is coming from in order to get it to pour over this abysmally dark world.
Such is the state of my mind these days, a paradox of improbable possibilities and contradictions that don't seem to be able to resolve themselves. Emotionally and socially exhausted after a long stretch of events and happenings these past couple of years, I am at a loss as to where to go from here. Part of me wants to just disappear for a while, take a sabbatical to the other side of the country or the other side of the world after throwing my cell phone into the deepest lake I can find. Part of me feels the deepest need to create something, to inject this state of confusion into a paint brush and throw it onto a canvas or dip my hands into a ball of clay and contort it to no end. Part of me wants to start over completely and leave everything behind, and part of me wants simply to get through the next day with some semblance of sanity.
It's funny how the state of mind can alter so dramatically. Really, nothing has changed in my life physically, and no one has left my little circle of a world for me to mourn over. Nothing new has appeared to disrupt my state of being; and yet everything about my emotionally state seems to have shifted so far from where it was before that I don't see a way of getting back. Perhaps it is simply the introverted part of my personality finally reappearing after a very long hiatus, draining me of all of my energy and forcing me to withdraw and refuel for the next adventure. The only problem with that is that I cannot for the life of me see what the next adventure is or even get a semblance of an idea of what direction it will lead me. Perhaps this is what happens to people who don't have children and will most likely never have children. There comes a point where you wonder what exactly the point of it all is. If there is no one to pass the torch on to, no legacy or next generation and no prospect of one, then you are pretty much the end of the line. There is no more. It becomes a world about you and you alone, a selfish world, and surely that is not all that life is supposed to be about.
Perhaps that is the challenge, to find whatever it is I can do to pass on what is me to those around me and those to come, even if they aren't necessarily 'mine.' Perhaps it is my challenge in this life to find a greater purpose and make my own existence worth more that what it appears on the surface. I just wish there was some clue as to what that purpose is supposed to be. I just wish there was some way to figure out where the bright yellow rain is coming from in order to get it to pour over this abysmally dark world.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Passion Vs Sanity
Time and time again I've heard the age old complaint, "we just don't have sex anymore," or "he never seems to want it," and generally this is coming from couples who have been together a while, have established their relationship, and would be considered doing well in those relationships. On the flip side, there seems to be a growing number of men I know who are in the midst of having steamy passionate sex, but in volatile, quick-ending relationships that tax the emotional heart and leave them reeling for something more stable. It seems almost a paradox, as if we must make a choice between stable and sane, or passionate and volatile.
The same has happened to me over and over again in the past. I've had relationships that have waned after a while, physically, and the relationships have seemed to dissipate as if once we were comfortable with each other we had had enough. No more hunt and chase excitement. I've had relationships in which the sex was so passionate and immediate it was hard to hold back, only to be wrought with uncertainty and instability outside the bedroom. Either he's great in bed, but is an asshole and jerk; or he's friendly and nice as can be but doesn't light your fire.
Let's look at the pros and cons:
Passion:
The same has happened to me over and over again in the past. I've had relationships that have waned after a while, physically, and the relationships have seemed to dissipate as if once we were comfortable with each other we had had enough. No more hunt and chase excitement. I've had relationships in which the sex was so passionate and immediate it was hard to hold back, only to be wrought with uncertainty and instability outside the bedroom. Either he's great in bed, but is an asshole and jerk; or he's friendly and nice as can be but doesn't light your fire.
Let's look at the pros and cons:
Passion:
- Great sex (obviously)
- Romance? What's that?
- Quick Fizzle, easy out
- Constant anxiety (is he really into me or am I just a play toy?)
- Passion = fights and heated argument outside the bedroom
- May not have to spring for dinner, just head straight for the bed
- When you're not in bed, he's off with his friends or after another 'piece of tail'
- Once you're naked and over with it, there's nothing more to talk about.
- Someone always ends up feeling jipped in the end
- The relationship is often on and off again, and each time you swear you won't take him back, but you do anyway.
Sanity:
- Stability (you know he'll never cheat)
- He always remember the flowers on Valentine's Day
- Harder to leave (you know you'll break his heart)
- Money-the dinner's, the flowers, the gifts, $$$$$, goodbye savings
- Companionship (grow old together, already)
- Lackluster sex life, you go to bed horny every night
- Common goals, common interests
- Conversation isn't difficult, you have things to talk about
- You have someone to call you're own, and you know it actually counts
Of course, these are extremes used to illustrate a point, but you get the idea. Only on a rare occasion has there been an in-between for me, a good sex life along with a stable, sane everyday existence with my partner. Those are the relationships that have lasted the longest, that have held love and passion and sanity together at the same time. Perhaps that is the key to finding a lasting partner, finding that mix that satisfies both sides. Until the day that you find the perfect mix, which do you choose?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Quote of the Week #4
Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me!
-A Fine Frenzy, You Picked Me
Friday, June 13, 2008
For Better or Worse
There is something about a wedding that seems to highlight whatever emotional state you happen to be in at that moment in your life. Happily in love? A wedding seems to bring a pang of joy. Just broken up? Suddenly a rush of memories flood back and you seem to be drowning. Single and alone? Jealousy or resentment or deep sadness seem to set in. Whatever the emotion, for that afternoon or evening, it seems to be like an elephant in a small room right in front of you.
I used to loathe weddings, dreaded them with a passion as couples got up and danced, smiled into each others faces, were reminded of the love they had and of which I was severely lacking. It was all about love, a love that I thought that I would never be privileged to enjoy. And even if I did, what were the chances that there would be groups this large that would celebrate the kind of love that I would have? What were the chances that any union I chose would even be legal?
I used to imagine the happy couple off on their honeymoon, enjoying the world, just the two of them, in wedded bliss. Like magic, I imagined, they were suddenly happy forever like a fairy tale. Of course, we all know that's not what really happens, but those were the musings of a child. That was my fantasy. At that time, I don't know that I even thought of it being possible with another man. Perhaps that's why I seemed to fall into a deep depression for several days after the big event. I thought that this was a world that I would never be privy to, a club that I would never be allowed to join.
I know it's not the wedding, though, that really matters. It's not the rings and the cake and the dancing. I know it's really about a commitment, a promise, a combining of two lives; and you don't need anyone there to share that with you except the partner you have chosen. As I grew older, I imagined a more private ceremony, just me and my partner on a beach in Australia and a couple of rings. Quiet, special, just me and him, forever. Times are changing, I know. Californians are preparing to get married by the droves after a recent change in law. It would seem that same sex couples are everywhere. Even still, I wonder if I will ever make it to such a blessed a day, a day about just me and my partner, committing forever.
I recently participated in a family wedding, one that was so packed with events and pictures and ceremony that I hardly had time to register what was happening much less be panged with a rush of emotion. I sat and watched the bride dance in the center of the room. It was her day, her joy to celebrate. All was well. Then my eyes scanned the rest of the room A gentleman I knew to be recently divorced sat to the side a little disturbed. It was obvious he was remembering happier times and longing for the past. A young couple across the way, still newlyweds, danced the fox trot together with big smiles. They were still in the prime of their joy together. A young woman sat alone across from her older aunts, shy and wondering if anyone would dance with her. She was wondering if her day would ever come, if she would ever be the one in the white dress. An older woman sat by herself as her daughter danced, remembering her late husband and longing for one last kiss.
For better or worse, it would seem that everyone had something to remember, something to ponder or agonize over, some emotion to explore or try to suppress. Almost a mental circus in a sense. I was better off than usual this time, although perhaps I should have had a few glasses of wine fewer than I did. It's sometimes hard to simply be happy for another without worrying about your own situation. I did my best, though, and I am truly happy for the couple and wish them all the happiness in the world.
I used to loathe weddings, dreaded them with a passion as couples got up and danced, smiled into each others faces, were reminded of the love they had and of which I was severely lacking. It was all about love, a love that I thought that I would never be privileged to enjoy. And even if I did, what were the chances that there would be groups this large that would celebrate the kind of love that I would have? What were the chances that any union I chose would even be legal?
I used to imagine the happy couple off on their honeymoon, enjoying the world, just the two of them, in wedded bliss. Like magic, I imagined, they were suddenly happy forever like a fairy tale. Of course, we all know that's not what really happens, but those were the musings of a child. That was my fantasy. At that time, I don't know that I even thought of it being possible with another man. Perhaps that's why I seemed to fall into a deep depression for several days after the big event. I thought that this was a world that I would never be privy to, a club that I would never be allowed to join.
I know it's not the wedding, though, that really matters. It's not the rings and the cake and the dancing. I know it's really about a commitment, a promise, a combining of two lives; and you don't need anyone there to share that with you except the partner you have chosen. As I grew older, I imagined a more private ceremony, just me and my partner on a beach in Australia and a couple of rings. Quiet, special, just me and him, forever. Times are changing, I know. Californians are preparing to get married by the droves after a recent change in law. It would seem that same sex couples are everywhere. Even still, I wonder if I will ever make it to such a blessed a day, a day about just me and my partner, committing forever.
I recently participated in a family wedding, one that was so packed with events and pictures and ceremony that I hardly had time to register what was happening much less be panged with a rush of emotion. I sat and watched the bride dance in the center of the room. It was her day, her joy to celebrate. All was well. Then my eyes scanned the rest of the room A gentleman I knew to be recently divorced sat to the side a little disturbed. It was obvious he was remembering happier times and longing for the past. A young couple across the way, still newlyweds, danced the fox trot together with big smiles. They were still in the prime of their joy together. A young woman sat alone across from her older aunts, shy and wondering if anyone would dance with her. She was wondering if her day would ever come, if she would ever be the one in the white dress. An older woman sat by herself as her daughter danced, remembering her late husband and longing for one last kiss.
For better or worse, it would seem that everyone had something to remember, something to ponder or agonize over, some emotion to explore or try to suppress. Almost a mental circus in a sense. I was better off than usual this time, although perhaps I should have had a few glasses of wine fewer than I did. It's sometimes hard to simply be happy for another without worrying about your own situation. I did my best, though, and I am truly happy for the couple and wish them all the happiness in the world.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Just Details
I received the latest issue of Details magazine last week (one of the few magazines I have found interest enough in to read cover to cover on a consistent basis), threw it in my bag and had nearly forgotten about it until today. When I was able to catch some down time at work, I noticed it among my paperwork and various other publications and pulled it out for inspection. While the glassed pages are not considered geared towards a homosexual audience, they are rarely afraid to approach the subject. Although, I dare say that any magazine with such a large amount of fashion content and an abundance of fragrance samples can hardly consider itself out of the realm of the homosexual audience. I've never met a straight man who cared THAT much about the cut of his suit or the vastness of his summer shirt wardrobe or the shape of his swimwear and what it said about his personality.
In any case, while the stories don't generally overwhelm the issues contents, this latest one seems to have gone a little further than usual. The first main article I turned my eyes to related the story of the youngest superdelegate for the Democratic party, Jason Rae, a college student from Wisconsin. You have to get well into the article to get to it, but suddenly we learn that the young political mind is, in fact, gay; and, furthermore, was inadvertently outed to his family by joining a LGBT within the Democratic National Committee. I was a little shocked to see these words, expecting nothing more than a story on a young superdelegate, but then glad to see that this fact was not the focus of the article. Rather, it was treated like any other everyday fact and seemed to be included only to benefit a better whole picture of our subject. Just another guy (although an unusually politically ambition one) who just happens to be gay. Well handled in my book.
The other main article, (although perhaps a little more frivolous in it content, including pictures of flesh-color painted bananas and pink hot dogs on pink buns), related the mistaken sexual identity of certain straight men. Penning a new word, the author referred to them as 'strays' (straight men mistaken as gay). The article related the near impossibility of determining sexuality based on likes and dislikes, clothing, demeanor, etc. It would seem that there is no formula that will tell you whether a man is gay or straight. Well, DUH! Although, I must admit that on the graphic in the article listing 18 categories and the most likely choices of a gay vs straight vs stray man, I tended to agree mostly with the gay column on things like drink, music, and sport. I did have to dip several times into the two others to round out my choices, however. If nothing else, the article was good for a little laugh.
I have to applaud Details as it seems to have found a way to balance gay and straight, young and old, featuring articles on a wide variety of subjects. They seem to have found a way to make 'gay' just another possibility, another part of the whole man. It would seem that we are men first; and the rest is just, well, details.
In any case, while the stories don't generally overwhelm the issues contents, this latest one seems to have gone a little further than usual. The first main article I turned my eyes to related the story of the youngest superdelegate for the Democratic party, Jason Rae, a college student from Wisconsin. You have to get well into the article to get to it, but suddenly we learn that the young political mind is, in fact, gay; and, furthermore, was inadvertently outed to his family by joining a LGBT within the Democratic National Committee. I was a little shocked to see these words, expecting nothing more than a story on a young superdelegate, but then glad to see that this fact was not the focus of the article. Rather, it was treated like any other everyday fact and seemed to be included only to benefit a better whole picture of our subject. Just another guy (although an unusually politically ambition one) who just happens to be gay. Well handled in my book.
The other main article, (although perhaps a little more frivolous in it content, including pictures of flesh-color painted bananas and pink hot dogs on pink buns), related the mistaken sexual identity of certain straight men. Penning a new word, the author referred to them as 'strays' (straight men mistaken as gay). The article related the near impossibility of determining sexuality based on likes and dislikes, clothing, demeanor, etc. It would seem that there is no formula that will tell you whether a man is gay or straight. Well, DUH! Although, I must admit that on the graphic in the article listing 18 categories and the most likely choices of a gay vs straight vs stray man, I tended to agree mostly with the gay column on things like drink, music, and sport. I did have to dip several times into the two others to round out my choices, however. If nothing else, the article was good for a little laugh.
I have to applaud Details as it seems to have found a way to balance gay and straight, young and old, featuring articles on a wide variety of subjects. They seem to have found a way to make 'gay' just another possibility, another part of the whole man. It would seem that we are men first; and the rest is just, well, details.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Moment of Change
It's funny how one little thing, one event or one disagreement can change things for so many people. As I wrote about earlier this week, two close friends of mine have come to a disagreement that has, for all intents and purposes, ended in a complete separation of ways. The two have cut ties and decided not to pursue any form of friendship any further. While, I was able to keep myself out of the line of fire for the most part, what I have pondered on since the beginning of this entire affair is how things have suddenly changed in my social circle without me having anything directly to do with it.
Last evening, on the way home from work, I was struck a little baffled as to how to proceed from here. The current situation has made it virtually impossible to organize or attend the social gatherings we had all participated in together over the past several years without making someone in the group uncomfortable or unwilling to attend. Suddenly, where it wasn't even a question before, guest lists and invitees will have to be thoughtfully considered. In fact, some friendships may end up falling to the wayside altogether as collateral damage to the main event. It's anther paradigm shift in my social world.
It always seems to work this way, though. Change may build over time and seem inevitable after the fact; but, nearly always, there seems to be one big event or happening after which there is no turning back, there is no forgetting. Suddenly everything has changed, especially in relationships. My longest relationship turned itself completely over after I cheated on my partner. In another case, the news of a new job and a move away suddenly changed my whole perspective. In a third, I met a new love and suddenly was able to leave a destructive man behind for greener pastures. Almost always there is that moment of change, that moment of revelation that tells you that things are no longer the same.
I am a little anxious to see how everything turns out in the end, how each relationship involved here changes and either grows or falls apart. It seems almost to be a lesson in how one person's actions can affect so many others without even meaning to. But, there is perhaps no sense in worrying over it. One of my dearest friends favorite sayings is, "it'll all come out in the wash." I just hope we all don't end up stuffed in there and left so long we come out all wrinkled and worn and unwearable.
Last evening, on the way home from work, I was struck a little baffled as to how to proceed from here. The current situation has made it virtually impossible to organize or attend the social gatherings we had all participated in together over the past several years without making someone in the group uncomfortable or unwilling to attend. Suddenly, where it wasn't even a question before, guest lists and invitees will have to be thoughtfully considered. In fact, some friendships may end up falling to the wayside altogether as collateral damage to the main event. It's anther paradigm shift in my social world.
It always seems to work this way, though. Change may build over time and seem inevitable after the fact; but, nearly always, there seems to be one big event or happening after which there is no turning back, there is no forgetting. Suddenly everything has changed, especially in relationships. My longest relationship turned itself completely over after I cheated on my partner. In another case, the news of a new job and a move away suddenly changed my whole perspective. In a third, I met a new love and suddenly was able to leave a destructive man behind for greener pastures. Almost always there is that moment of change, that moment of revelation that tells you that things are no longer the same.
I am a little anxious to see how everything turns out in the end, how each relationship involved here changes and either grows or falls apart. It seems almost to be a lesson in how one person's actions can affect so many others without even meaning to. But, there is perhaps no sense in worrying over it. One of my dearest friends favorite sayings is, "it'll all come out in the wash." I just hope we all don't end up stuffed in there and left so long we come out all wrinkled and worn and unwearable.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
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