The Conglomeration of Past and Present

One of the most important things that makes each of us unique in this world is our completely individual and unreplicatable set of life experiences. No matter our place of birth, race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion, there is no one in the world that has lived exactly the same way and with the same complete perspective as you have. Siblings can come pretty close, but even with that, there are differences created simply with birth order if not by outside influences. Even identical twins are going to have some unique experiences that shape them in a different way then their genetic counterpart. It is the sum of all these experiences: relationships, interactions, life events, along with our genetic make-up that makes us who we are today.

What is the point here? Well, the same is true in the realm of love and all that goes with love: loss, joy, pain, fulfillment. Our capacity for love and our current view of relationships is a conglomeration of what we've experienced in the past, what we've seen others go through and what is right in front of us, the experiences that we are currently embarking on. We cannot mature and grow without experience, without loss and hurt and pain along with elation, joy, and romance. It is what makes us better people and ready for our current loves. It defines who we are in our current and future relationships. No matter how much of clean start we may try to make, our present will always be riddled with remnants of our past.

I have no regrets in life. I have to believe that everything we go through is for a reason and will lead me on my next journey and onto better things, even if the reason is not readily apparent at the time. I have made many mistakes in love, pushed too hard, not pushed hard enough, let things go that I shouldn't have, stayed too long, gave up too soon. I've been hurt, heart broken, lonely, unable to immediately put the pieces back together. But still, there are no regrets, because each interaction provided a lesson in some form or another, helped teach me who I am and what I want in life and in love. Without each and every past lover, boyfriend, trick, or experiment, I would be a different whole being today. It is the reason I carry parts of my past with me, to remind me of what not to repeat and what good thing to strive for in the future.

I admit that sometimes I get bogged down in recalling bad memories, in focusing more on what I have lost in my life rather than the abundance of blessings I should be eternally thankful for. The challenge is keeping the past behind us while still using it as the tool it should be in ever fine tuning our futures. Only in the past few months have I begun to feel more like myself, to feel more like a strong and stable individual after a long series of unfortunate events and general unrest. I am at the epilogue in the story of the past year and half of my life, at a point where I can look back and truly objectively look at what has happened without being too emotionally involved in it. It is now that I can truly learn and move on with good people beside me and healthy relationships intact.

It is that sum of what I have gone through, what I have learned along my journey that makes me who I am and makes me capable of loving another in a healthy and productive way. It is what makes me unique. It is why I am capable of truly appreciating the good times and knowing that the bad times will not last forever. It is what gives me the strength and the courage to continue on this journey, this never ending classroom called life.

A Razor and a Bar of Soap

I was riding in the car this past weekend with several friends. We were trying to find a happening place to spend the evening; and, upon discovering none that provided any satisfaction, our conversation invariably led to some rather interesting subjects. Seems to be the case time and time again when outside stimulation wanes; we find our own entertainment in revealing conversation.

I found this particular conversation rather amusing, as our thoughts and words somehow (I really don’t know how) led to the topic of personal hygiene and grooming. It was a mixed group, male and female, but it seemed we all agreed on several key points. However, I wonder if there is a certain etiquette or unspoken standard we go by these days in regard to personal grooming. What is preferred and what is considered acceptable?

We all agreed, with much laughter, that ball hair is disgusting. It seems even straight guys are shaving their scrotums these days, as the girls in our group proclaimed their refusal to go down on the guy or play with his balls if he’s got the little squigglies going on on his sac. I tend to agree. I’m sure there’s a few out there that wouldn’t mind a little fur, maybe even think it was manly; but more often than not, I’m finding that people would rather it not be there these days. When you have to pull a hair out from between your teeth, it tends to ruin the mood a little. And hygiene is a key as well. “A Sweaty ball sac has a smell like no other,” and it isn’t appealing. Hell if I wanted something with an odor, I’d go straight for the tuna taco. (Although, one of my straight friends insists that a women’s private parts don’t really smell like fish. I’ll have to take his word for it).

As far as the rest of it goes, I agreed with my friends that there should be some grooming in the general pubic area. Heck, girls seem to go to great lengths to properly groom; and it seems there a hundred ways to do it, from shaving to full on Brazilian waxes. I’m glad that waxing hasn’t become popular for men down there, though. Eeek. I don’t think that completely removing the hair is really all that attractive on a man, though. Unless your into really, really, young, say illegal young men. I did it once (the shaving, not the illegal young man). I looked like a prepubescent fool. There should be something there at least to signify that you’re at a an age capable of growing something down there.

I was walking back from getting my mail the other day, saw what seemed to be a straight man with the smoothest legs I’ve seen in years. They had to be shaved. I found it unnatural. Unless you’re training for the summer Olympics in the backstroke or butterfly or you have a genetic inability to grown hair at all, you should leave it. At least in my opinion. It seems that hairless chests and shaved pits are becoming more popular as well. I never minded a little hair on the chest, although, the pits should be kept to a reasonable length. I’d prefer not to notice it while you’re arms are down, bushing out like an out of control fur-ball under there.

As far as hygiene is concerned, cleanliness is an absolute key. If a man is dirty, forget it. Ok, I’ll admit it, every once in a long while the moment will hit and be so strong that there’s no time to clean up, you just have to go for it, sweaty as you may be; but for the most part, I’d like to know that you take care of yourself and shower daily, if not more often than that. Cologne is a good thing, too. Sometimes I wonder if in fact the industry is supported solely by gay men and women buying scents for their fellows. I’ve never met a straight-man cologne whore. Actually, I’ve never met a straight man that had more than two scents in his collection. On the other hand, most gay men I know can recognize at least half a dozen scents and have several at home for various occasions.

Of course, I could ramble on for hours about the ins and outs of cleanliness and personal grooming. Everyone you talk to is going to have a different taste, a different preference. It’s just like hair styles and fashionable shoes. At least it seems that the word is getting out there: take care of yourself, not just for you, but your partner as well.

Going With the Flow

Like every one of us, I am a flawed human being. It is the nature of our existence. It cannot be helped. One of my greatest faults has to do with love and relationships; and, while it will reveal to some extent my incapacities to you, the reader, I'm feeling just open enough today to go ahead and write about it in the vein of trying to relay a lesson, to make a point.

While I am quite patient and understanding in most every other aspect of my life, it seems that I lose all of that restraint and calmness when it comes to relationships. I am not proud of it, I'm working on it; but still, it remains a struggle for me. I've ruined relationships over it, I do admit that. I've expected too much and gotten hurt in the end because of it.

There are those of us that fear being alone. That is not my problem. However, it does seem that when someone I am truly interested in comes along, I tend to over do it at times, wanting to jump in head first and go for it. Now, any logical person knows, this is ridiculous. If you make a commitment in the new phase of a relationship, chances are you will wake up one day and wonder what the hell you have done. I've been there, done that. (I've had it done to me, too, though, don't get me wrong). My problem, in the past, has been that I expect too much of a relationship at times, especially when that sense of euphoria takes over so quickly. I start thinking about the long-run too soon, the life together, the 'marriage,' the future. I suppose that it is alright to fantasize about those things to an extent, but to expect them and to count on them generally only leads to the eventual disappointment of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I'm guilty of it, I admit that. Sometimes it's hard, though, when you feel yourself falling in love and wanting to just go for it, to stop yourself and make yourself do it right, to truly get to know the guy and try to make it a lasting relationship.

It's a struggle I deal with everyday, balancing that want to just let myself go and live in this bubble of love and romance (which is impossible and doesn't really exist, I know) and wanting to remain calm and independent, moving slowly with love and being patient enough to let it grow naturally.

For a while, I was writing quotes in my daily planner, one a week or so. One was 'Go with the flow." It's what we've got to do. Love cannot be forced or fabricated. It will happen when and if it is supposed to, and if it is meant to last, then really you have all the time in the world to enjoy it. I've just got to learn to be a little more patient.

Act Two (The Play's the Thing)

Returning to our theatre adventure in Louisville, I thought today we would discuss a very interesting concept brought up by the second act of the play I recently attended.

As the story progresses and act two opens, we find that the state of the world has suddenly gone awry; and no one seems to know why. Half the city seems to have simply disappeared, leaving our characters lost and confused, and all just one day before the big wedding of the lovely daughter character is to take place.

Suddenly, our fashion designer lead enters the stage and quite matter-of-factly states that he has called all of his friends, who in turn have called all their friends, who have all decided that all the gay people of the world should simply disappear for a day and take a vacation in protest to the proposed amendment on the definition of marriage. Suddenly lawyers, doctors, accountants, dress designers, hair dressers, nurses, artist, and even our lovely maid have simply vanished.

What a novel concept. What would happen if every gay person simply disappeared for a while? Perhaps our world would suddenly become crippled. Or at least less fashionable. And how many of those people would you have never suspected of being of certain sexual persuasion when it happened? Perhaps a next-door neighbor, the cashier at the grocery store? Your favorite movie star. The vice-mayor? Maybe your own brother or sister, father or mother. I'm sure there would be at least one surprise.

I think that what it would prove (besides that you can't tell just by looking most of the time) is that we are all interdependent on each other in this world, regardless of our sexual orientation (or age or race or anything else for that matter). As independent as we like to think we are, we wouldn't make it in the world without each other. Our food, our money, our friends, our homes. All of it depends in some way or part on someone else in this world. So what's the point in hating or discriminating. We need each other no matter what. So get over it, and enjoy your life instead of filling it with hate. There are enough problems in the world.

The Best Fit

I sit at a bar in a little bistro in downtown Louisville after a lovely dinner of pasta , flourless chocolate cake, and grey goose vodka and cranberry cocktails. I am just mentally lubricated enough to talk candidly about relationship and my past mistakes in love.

"I've made many mistake," I say between sips through a pair of cocktail straws. "But aren't they all mistakes until you find the right one?" to which I receive a chuckle from my companions.

Then, a little more seriously, one of my companions begins to describe a book he has read in regard to finding the right person to share your life with. Apparently, it included an exercise in which you write down all the things you are looking for in a mate, the qualities you wish them to possess. Basically, a guide for yourself to focus your search. Upon further discussion, we decide that no matter how many items are on your list, no one person would likely fulfill each and every desire. My dear companion then voiced his conclusion that your ultimate mate choice be the man who possesses the greatest number of those qualities on your list, the one who best fits even if not every quality is present.

I suppose I was a little too well lubricated at that point to really think about the implications of the statement, or perhaps it was the fact that others soon joined us and we were off to our next adventure for the evening. Either way, I really didn't digest the idea until later that week.

I agree with the idea, but only to a point. I whole-heartedly agree that no one is perfect and that no one is going completely fit into any predetermined mold. I also agree that you have to choose the mate that most closely fits what you desire in a partner. However, it seems to me that when you start looking at relationships in this way, there begins to be a very fine line between choosing the right partner and simply settling.

I don't know exactly where that line begins and where it ends. There are so many variables involved in finding a life partner that it seems a wonder that anyone finds a true mate at all sometimes; but surely you wouldn't want to settle for something that will not truly make you happy.

Relationship decisions can be difficult. Even if you know the love is there and it is true, it is often still very difficult if not impossible to know if we are making the right decisions. Sometimes that line is so fine that we could fall either way like a leaf from a tree in a slight breeze. There is definitely a difference, though, between choosing someone for the right reasons and just settling so as not to be alone. We just have to be careful and hope that we don't end up on the wrong side of the fence.

The Play's the Thing- Act One

I spent a few days out of town this past weekend, this time in Louisville, Kentucky. I had a wonderful dinner with friends, saw a play put on by the local gay community (part of series they produce every year), followed by a night on the town and a wonderful brunch the next morning. I enjoyed the experience very much, and would recommend that everyone make an attempt to support the local arts, whether it be specifically for the gay community or the public in general.

I am a diligent observer of this world, always taking stock of everything around me. Louisville provided several conversations and experiences that fueled entry ideas for this very blog; therefore, for the next couple weeks or so, we'll focus on those. I suppose it would be fitting to start with the play itself, as it provided a good topic of discussion all on its own.

The play was entitled 'Regrets Only', and we were fortunate enough to enjoy the play in the company's new home in downtown Louisville. The story began as a famous gay fashion designer returns to New York to visit friends after losing his long-time lover. His friends include his long-time girlfriend, her husband, their child, and the hilariously funny maid. The story looks back on their lives, examines the ideas of love and relationships (both straight and gay), and questions the idea of gay marriage when the lawyer husband and his daughter are asked to research a constitutional amendment defining marriage (between a man and a woman) for the president. Of course, each character has his or her opinion on the subject, and the matter is discussed from every perspective.

The father and daughter argued that gay couples were not in fact 'married' and never would be; the designer, of course, had the perspective of being in such a relationship for years; and the mother was somewhere in the middle. This caused me to question myself, to decide where I stand on the issue, and to think about what I think of marriage in general. Really, it shouldn't matter who you choose as a mate. If you devote yourself and make a commitment to another person, then, frankly, I don't think it should matter the gender of that person in allowing them to marry. It should be a basic right like anything else.

I am speaking to a friend as I write this, and he says that he will never walk down the aisle with another man. He is gay himself, and states that he would gladly spend his life with another man (in fact share children with another man), but agrees with the majority of the people in this state that legal marriage should be between a man and a woman only. In fact, he states that he voted against gay marriage in the 2004 election, proving that even among gay men, there is not single voice on the subject.

In the large scheme of things, however; I tend to look at marriage in a more conceptual way. Ideally, we shouldn't labels or the approval of a human governmental body to determine who and when we can love and what defines such relationships and what rules should apply to such relationships. Ideally, love should be a more organic form of emotion, and should evolve naturally, not governed by someone else's concept of what it should be.

The romantic side of me would like to wear a ring someday, create a family, live a traditional life. But maybe romance is more about being swept away by the emotion, losing yourself in love, feeling so connected to someone that you never want to lose them. If that's the case, then tradition and rings and everything else shouldn't matter. I try to look at life these days as an adventure, open to whatever will come my way, not worried about creating a certain kind of life for myself. If you expect thing to happen a certain way (especially marriage), then you can only be disappointed when it doesn't turn out exactly the way you thought it would. I prefer to think that the kind of life I'm supposed to lead and the kind of relationship I am supposed to have will happen when it's supposed to the way it is supposed to in the big scheme of things. The point being to enjoy the life I am given and to take what I get as a blessing. When I love someone, I don't think it is neccessary to define that with the word 'marriage.' I love them with the word or without it, and I would hope that he loves me back in the same way.

So, in general, I would have to say that I reject the notion of having to be defined by the institution of marriage; but, if anyone else feels the need for such a label, they should be entitled to it.

Act Two of the play brought on another very interesting idea, which we will discuss in a later entry. Look for 'Act Two.'

Acting Your Age

There seems to be an inordinately large number of gay men, or rather, older men, who seem to be in denial about their age. Or maybe there is just an inordinately large number that have crossed my path as of late. It seems to be the ones that like younger men that are most often lost in this time-warped illusion. I guess it’s better than being lost in the decade of your prime, never updating your wardrobe from 1985 (or whatever year you last felt best); but, face it, if your 50, you don’t look good dressing like a 22 year old.

In my own experience, it seems that when such a stylistic offense occurs, it is either because he is trying to attract a younger man or his mental maturity never progressed past whatever age he is trying to dilute himself into believing he is. As far as the first possibility goes, I must say that as a young man, I did in fact date several older men. However, I was never attracted to an older man that looked like he walked out of an A&F closet. They were always men who looked and acted like the mature men they were. That’s why I was attracted to them in the first place, they weren’t flighty little queens. And if I saw a man of a certain age in Old Navy flip-flops and Hollister t-shirt, I don’t think I’d look twice, except to awe at the pure insanity of it. A man looks best when he accepts who he is (and what age he is) and acts that way. It exudes a maturity level worthy of a second or third serious look, at least for me.

As far as the second possibility is concerned, well….grow up. I guess if you want to run around like your still in your twenties (or maybe even your teens), going to the tanning bed, buffing your muscles at the gym, drinking every night, flopping your love handles around on the dance floor like you can keep a beat (sorry, you can’t), then more power to you. Just don’t expect anything more than exactly that out of life. Don’t be surprised when your current twink grows past it and moves on.

It’s really about accepting yourself and being comfortable with who you are. There was a man who fancied me recently. I met him at a cocktail party. He seemed nice enough until I saw him out at one of the clubs. His hair had changed. I later found out he had what my friends and I later referred to as a ‘triple fake threat.’ He had a hair piece on, a girdle to suck in the fat, and apparently some sort of device in his pants made to feel like a rather large penis. No, I didn’t discover that last one personally, but I heard it on good authority. I don’t think I have to tell you how absolutely absurd the whole idea is. I would just really like to have seen the look on the guy’s face when they are taking off their clothes and he discovered the difference between the illusion and reality. Wouldn’t you have to be pretty drunk? At least it’s good for a chuckle.

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths people will go to.

Friendship Without Benefits

I have a wide variety of friends: gay, straight, male, and female. I have several close friends that are fellow gay men, which shouldn't strike anyone as odd; but it seems that some people carry the notion that these relationships could not possibly be purely platonic. My closest friend is a gay man, and I am often asked, "have you guys ever done anything?" or, "surely you guys have fooled around." The truth is, we have not, and never will 'fool around,' nor will I with the majority of my other friends who happen to be male and gay. The funny thing about it, though, is that I would sort of expect (but not excuse) that sort of question from a straight person; but I get the question a lot from gay acquaintances and friends, who, frankly, should know better.

The question may be innocent enough, no harm intended. It may simply be a curiosity, but I challenge you to consider the implications of such a question the next time it occurs to you to ask. Just because we happen to be men, and some of us happen to like sex (some of us too much if you ask me), doesn't mean that we have to sleep with every gay man we know. That's absurd. I personally don't find every gay man I meet immediately attractive simply because of his sexual orientation. I would hope that our brains are a little more advanced than that. Surely straight men aren't attracted to anything and everything with breasts and a vaginal opening. So why would anyone assume that a gay man would stick it in (or get stuck by) anything with a rocket in his pocket (sorry, bad euphemism. Good for a little laugh, though).

I can't say I didn't have the same notion of gay men when I was young. As a child and teenager, the simple idea of finding someone like me, someone else who liked men, would sometimes turn me on. I don't think it was a sexual attraction to those people, though, but rather a response to the idea that I was, in fact, not alone. Really, the gay world is like any other. We are attracted to certain people, and others we are not. Certain relationships are meant to remain platonic, and others may go further than that. I probably doubted my own ability to be true friends with another gay man at points in my life, but having established such relationships has proven that it is possible, at least for myself.

We have to support each other, otherwise, who will. If we can't be friends with each other, than we don't stand a chance. There are certain things unique to the gay experience that only other gay men can know and relate to: coming out, accepting oneself, discrimination. That's why I value my friendships and welcome the emotional support and empathy that only they can provide. I'm glad to say that I have those kind of friends and that we can do all those things the way that close friends do without going any farther than that, without feeling the need to take it to the bedroom.

I really don't mind the questions. I find it rather amusing how people tend to gravitate towards these types of questions. Who's screwing who, who's cheating, who's after who's boyfriend? It is the endless soap opera of our lives. I had just gotten the questions at an alarming frequency as of late, which made me step back and think about it for a second.