He Can't Rescue You

My current list of favorite songs includes one by the great singer-songwriter Lucinda Williams entitled “Rescue.” If you know the artist, you know that she delves often into the deep well of sadness, broken relationships, and general heartache. While this song is a slow-moving, moody journey into the inner mind, it seems to me to have an important message. I may be completely off in my interpretation; but, to me, the song is about having an inner strength and not relying on a relationship, i.e. a man, to fix your problems.

A lot of us do it. We run around in constant search of the comfort that comes with being in a relationship. When one ends, we are quickly onto the next, sometimes clinging to the wrong person just so that we don’t have to be alone, don’t have to turn that light off in the bedroom without someone next to us. I’ve done it. I’ve stayed in relationships far past the breaking point, clinging to the familiar comfort of what I knew rather than being strong enough to break away on my own into unknown territory. I even continued to try to live with one of my exes for six months after we had decided to separate. It just seemed easier that way.

And what prompted me to finally leave? A new relationship, of course. I quickly fell in love with a young man that I thought was my equal, someone I could count on, someone who seemed to care about me. He offered me a place to live, not with him, but a piece of property that he was trying to rent out and that had sat empty for some time. It was meant to be a temporary solution to both of our problems until we figured out what to do next.

But why did I leap so quickly and determinately? It was a complicated situation that is hard to simplify here, as many factors were involved. However, I often wonder if I thought perhaps that this new relationship was going to solve my problems at the time, that somehow this man was going to fix the heartache and general unrest I had felt since ending my last relationship. Perhaps it was this sudden rush of affection and seemingly meaningful attention that I clung to, something that had been missing from my life. I felt wanted again, and I opened my heart completely and let him in without abandon.

Yet, the general unrest did not disappear. I was still in the throes of dealing with the last relationship, having it finally completely ended; and I was feverishly trying to create a new space for myself and trying to build a life with this new man. I hardly slept I was so consumed with activity, constantly distracted by all that was going on around me. And here I expected a new relationship to flourish in this kind of chaos? I was so lost in the idea of it, so entirely consumed by everything, that when the new man finally decided that we were not meant to be, I was so shocked that I could barely breathe.

It was perhaps the lowest I have ever been emotionally, the most difficult winter I ever faced, suddenly alone and completely abandoned. I don’t regret it, though, and I don’t think I would be the person I am today without having gone through it. What it taught me was that I cannot rely on a man, a relationship, to complete who I am, to elevate me to where I need to be to be happy. That strength and that energy has to come from within myself, and only then will I be able to be a true partner to whoever I choose to share my life with. It has made me much more cautious with my heart, yes, but at least I know that I am capable of giving myself completely to another person in love. I just have to be sure it is the right person next time.

We have choices to make, everyday, in every aspect of our lives. We can choose to look at the positive side of things and move on, or we can dwell on the hurt and anger, which holds us back and stunts our growth. I held on to the anger and the hurt for a long time with these two relationships, and yes, I did some stupid things in response to that. But at some point, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided that I didn’t like what I saw. Something needed to change; I needed to make things better, myself. So, I work on it everyday, trying to become a stronger person, working on being happy with myself before moving on to my next romantic adventure. When it comes, and hopefully it will, I won’t jump in so quickly this time, and I won’t use him as a band-aid to cover up my wounds. I’ll make sure I’ve left the baggage far behind and start with a clean slate this time.

So, I hear you, Lucinda. He can’t rescue me. He can’t save me. He can’t fix me. I’ve got to do it myself. We all do.