Going With the Flow

Like every one of us, I am a flawed human being. It is the nature of our existence. It cannot be helped. One of my greatest faults has to do with love and relationships; and, while it will reveal to some extent my incapacities to you, the reader, I'm feeling just open enough today to go ahead and write about it in the vein of trying to relay a lesson, to make a point.

While I am quite patient and understanding in most every other aspect of my life, it seems that I lose all of that restraint and calmness when it comes to relationships. I am not proud of it, I'm working on it; but still, it remains a struggle for me. I've ruined relationships over it, I do admit that. I've expected too much and gotten hurt in the end because of it.

There are those of us that fear being alone. That is not my problem. However, it does seem that when someone I am truly interested in comes along, I tend to over do it at times, wanting to jump in head first and go for it. Now, any logical person knows, this is ridiculous. If you make a commitment in the new phase of a relationship, chances are you will wake up one day and wonder what the hell you have done. I've been there, done that. (I've had it done to me, too, though, don't get me wrong). My problem, in the past, has been that I expect too much of a relationship at times, especially when that sense of euphoria takes over so quickly. I start thinking about the long-run too soon, the life together, the 'marriage,' the future. I suppose that it is alright to fantasize about those things to an extent, but to expect them and to count on them generally only leads to the eventual disappointment of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I'm guilty of it, I admit that. Sometimes it's hard, though, when you feel yourself falling in love and wanting to just go for it, to stop yourself and make yourself do it right, to truly get to know the guy and try to make it a lasting relationship.

It's a struggle I deal with everyday, balancing that want to just let myself go and live in this bubble of love and romance (which is impossible and doesn't really exist, I know) and wanting to remain calm and independent, moving slowly with love and being patient enough to let it grow naturally.

For a while, I was writing quotes in my daily planner, one a week or so. One was 'Go with the flow." It's what we've got to do. Love cannot be forced or fabricated. It will happen when and if it is supposed to, and if it is meant to last, then really you have all the time in the world to enjoy it. I've just got to learn to be a little more patient.