Complaint Fool? or Breaking the Rules

I was nearing the end of my work day today when one of my least favorite fellow employees decided to stop by for a visit, making a pretty hectic day only that much worse. He is one of these useless middle-management types that find one small, insignificant part of your job that he feels you are lacking in or are not complying with policy in and continually reminds you of this one minute detail every time he sees you. All the while in his own mind thinking that he is somehow doing his job by reminding you of your noncompliance whenever he sees you.

In my case, the policy is dress code, and the minute detail so meticulously, repeatedly harped on is the use of a tie in my wardrobe. He once even asked me where my tie was when I was wearing a turtleneck. Not that I am a rule-breaker by any means, but when the tie is currently out of fashion in most instances and professional dress does not demand it's use anymore, I find it ridiculous that such a detail should be so adamantly enforced. If there was something wrong with my job performance, I might understand the incessant harassment, but as it stands, I don't get it. It's a good thing I only see the asshole once every few months.

I think what it comes down to is being able to think outside the box, beyond the constraints of the pages of an employee manual. Any effective, intelligent manager or employer is going to know that there is more than one way to do things, and as long as the job gets done and done well then there really isn't a problem. For a close-minded fool, however, there is only the thick black lines and letters on the pages, there is no gray area.

I may be stretching the situation a bit, but the purpose here is to illustrate a point. When you only follow the letter of the 'law' or your own expectation of a situation, then you live a very close-minded existence. You block the possibility of seeing things in a new light, from a new perspective. There is rarely only one way to complete a task or to live a life; and if you're following someone else's idea of existence, then you're missing out on an opportunity to make your own way, to live life in a way that truly makes you happy and discovering new ideas along the way.

I am unable to live a life that much of society feels is normal by the sheer fact that my sexual orientation doesn't comply with the majority of those around me. As a a gay community, we are (or should be) much more aware that there is more than one way to live life and to be happy, as there is more than one way to get a job done. If I choose to be with another man and to share my life with him instead of a woman, it is not wrong simply because is doesn't follow someone else's guidelines. And my job is going to get done right and on time whether I have a green or blue silk stretch of fabric tied around my neck or not.

Finding Balance

I am at a point in my life at this moment where things feel somewhat settled and, dare I say it, normal for the first time in a very long time. My life does not seem quite so aimless and my time is filled with meaningful tasks and meaningful, lasting relationships. I feel a confidence in myself that has been lacking for quite some time and I feel like things are flowing smoothly in most respects.

That being said, it seems that I am still having some trouble finding a sense of balance in my life, finding a way to juggle and integrate all the aspects of my life together without neglecting anything or over-attending to one aspect of my being over another. It seems that there are still adjustments that need to be made in the overall scheme of my existence.

Before we get too deep into the philosophy of it all, let's backtrack for a moment. Perhaps we should start with the source of this line of thinking, and work from there. As I sat watching television on the evening of the Thanksgiving holiday with my mother, we began to talk. She pointed out to me that since last Christmas I had been rather distracted at our family functions, participating in conversation only when forced to, not focused on the activities or the people in the center of the current attention, often lost in my own world and apparently disturbed or saddened by what occupied my mind. While it wasn't as bad on this particular Thanksgiving day as it had been on previous holidays, it was still quite noticeable and was becoming a disturbing pattern or behavior.

As I sit and think about the implications of the current observation, I am struck by the truth behind it. Last Christmas was, perhaps, the worst holiday I ever experienced as my grandfather had recently died, I had been dumped on the sidewalk by a man I thought loved me deeply, and I had just come out to my immediate family to a disturbing array of responses. So, of course, I was distracted then, but why was it still so noticeable, why was I so unable to just relax and enjoy the current company and the holiday itself completely and without distraction? It's not like I was purposely trying to be rude to the company or trying not to be a part of the celebration. I just can't pinpoint why exactly that mood, that desire for silence and alone has struck at the most inopportune moments over and over this past year.

I think it has to do with finding that ever elusive balance in life, combining all the aspects that make us whole beings in a seamless way. I have worked so hard this year to rebuild my life, to build the new family that I have here in Lexington, to find myself again. The only problem is, I haven't found a way to combine it all with what used to be me, the family that has been a part of me since birth, that put the blood that flows in my veins in there to give me life and love and heritage. I still have work to do.

What I realize in this process of thinking, this introspection, is that I will never be completely settled, never be perfect and without room to grow. It is the definition of evolution, a constant change, hopefully for the better. There will always be details to tweak, pieces to add and remove, parts to repair. It wouldn't be life if it wasn't that way. I just have to learn to accept that and keep working towards a better me, valuing all the aspects of my life and enjoying every minute that I can on this earth.

Thank You Only Begins to Express

Before this Thanksgiving weekend is gone and we move onto the more complicated endeavors of this winter's holidays, I would like to take a moment to do what we are supposed to on this holiday, reflect for a moment and give thanks for the blessings of the year. Often we are so wrapped up in the gorging on turkey (although I'd say I could do without for a while, I am about turkey and dressinged out at the moment) and the shopping and the pumpkin pie that we forget sometimes to remember how blessed we truly are.

Last Thanksgiving, I spent the bulk of the day at work while half of my family spent the holiday in the Caribbean for a belated birthday celebration and the rest of the family spent the holidays at their children's houses or the like. After work, I went home and prepared a small meal for two, which I shared with a new love, in a new, rented house, and a smile on my face that hadn't been there in months if not years. For that moment, I was happy, or at least I thought I was. The only problem was that just a few weeks later, everything had fallen apart and I was stuck in an aimless, severely depressed state of confusion and angst. That's why I try not to think about last Thanksgiving, why I often wish it had never happened at all.

Now fast forward a year later, 2007. I stand in my kitchen in front of 12 of my closest friends, a new family I have created out of the ashes of an incinerated previous existence. There is an abundance of food on the tables and counter tops in my new, purchased home, and the drinks and conversation flow freely. I give a short speech, thanking everyone for coming and expressing my gratitude at having gotten to know each and every one of them on a much deeper level in the past year, which is the complete truth. Each of the people in this room before me has brought me closer to finding my true self again this year, has brought me love and guidance in times of deep despair. It is why I consider them my family, why I wish so deeply to spend this holiday with them in celebration of making it through a year of strife and constant change. But in saying this, I know that is has taken that fall into despair in order to build these relationships, in order to be in this place in this moment with these people the way that we are. The pain was necessary for my overall evolution.

And so, I give thanks today, for the help and friendship and love that I have received this past year. The unquestioning acceptance of me as flawed as I am, and the patience in allowing me to slowly find myself again. In that way, I am thankful for the pain, as well, for without it, I wouldn't be standing here as strong and so well surrounded with support and friendship as I am today. I raise a glass to all of you, and perhaps a turkey leg as well, and hope that you can truly understand how truly deep my gratitude reaches. Thank you all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

If I Could Be Who You Wanted

If you are a loyal reader, you know that I often refer to music when writing, usually spring-boarding into a larger topic based on a lyric or song title. Even the overall title of this blog came partially from a Yeah Yeah Yeah’s song. I find myself doing that again today as I was struck by a line from a song I have heard a hundred times before while driving down the road on a very rainy Kentucky afternoon on my way home for the Thanksgiving holiday. It’s funny how these things happen at specific moments in our lives, an album I hadn’t pulled out in nearly a year just suddenly appearing at my fingertips and then into the player in the dashboard. Then suddenly I am transported into that time, when I was listening to the album incessantly, absorbing the words and feelings of it. It was not a particularly happy time, but one that I have worked hard to leave behind me in the effort to move on into a happier existence.

The song is “Fake Plastic Trees.” The band is one of my favorites, Radiohead. From the title, I’m sure you’ve already decided it’s one of those very oddball pieces, alternative rock just a little beyond alternative, something unrelatable. But in that assumption, you would be incorrect. There is one specific line near the end that struck me then and still invokes deep thought today. It goes, “If I could be who you wanted….all the time.” Such deep, emotionally jarring thoughts wrapped up into one simple line. To me it’s about being at the end of a relationship and knowing that your partner is pulling away, knowing that you are not what he or she wants, about not feeling good enough for that person and feeling them slip away from your apparent inadequacy in complete apathy.

Of course, at the time that I discovered the album and began listening to the song so heavily, I was going through that very situation. It’s why the words spoke so loudly to me, gave me something to relate to. It fed my depression over the situation at the time, but perhaps it gave me a glimmer of hope that I wasn’t the first, nor would I be the last person to go through such a situation. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to not feel adequate, to feel like you are worth less than another person who you’ve loved or who you thought loved you, but in reality wants nothing to do with you. Some of us never recover.

But the lesson we have to learn here is that we cannot be what someone else wants, we can only be ourselves and know that that has to be enough. Even our spouses, our life partners, are not going to be perfect all the time, are not going to be who we want them to be all the time. If being ourselves isn’t enough, then we have to let go, regardless of how much it hurts, in hope of finding someone who will love us and accept us for the flawed beings we are. That was the most difficult thing for me to accept at the time. I didn’t want to give up, I wanted to change or prove that I could be what he wanted, that I could be good enough for him. I wanted him to want me again, like he did (whether he was honest about it or not) in the beginning. It took me a long time to realize that he was the one that wasn’t good enough, that he was the one that should have been fighting for my attention, that I was, in fact, good enough if not better than he deserved. It is very hard to let go when you are not ready to, though; and, thus, I struggled.

Thom Yorke sings, “It wears me out,” on the cut; and that, it did. I wore myself out to pure exhaustion at times worrying about things that I could not change. It was a futile waste of energy. Once I finally let it go, though, and was able to move on, knowing that I was good enough to make it on my own, I was finally able to rise from that ashes so to speak, or maybe out from amongst the forest of “Fake Plastic Trees.” All I can do is be who I am and hope that that’s enough. That’s all any of us can do.

The Problem With Threesomes

I was walking through the mall on a first date once long ago. We were asking each other general questions, trying to get to know each other, when he looked at me over a pile of sweaters and asked me if I believe in threesomes. I have never been one who was good at immediate answers as my brain generally requires some time to mill over even the simplest of ideas, so I had to stop and think for a second before answering. Of course, I believed in threesomes in the sense that they existed and people did partake; but I knew that the real question was whether or not I found them to be acceptable. He was testing my morals.

Have I indulged in a threesome or two? Yes. Would I do it again? Of course, there is always that one-in-a-million opportunity that might come up that I couldn't possibly say no to, but generally the answer would be a resounding no. While it may be immediately satisfying to some degree, in my own experience, there is generally no residual benefit to such an endeavor. More often there is more complication involved than is generally worth the effort.

First, let's look at the technical aspects. Generally, there is more interest in one person than the other on the part of at least one of the participants, leaving one person out and not equally involved. Not exactly fair, is it? But if you're happy with whatever you can get, more power to you. I know what you're thinking. It would be great to be in the middle, like a sandwich, or getting it from both ends. Yeah, not so much. It tend to spread the focus and leave the whole experience less satisfying as you try to do two or more things at once. Don't let the moan of the porn stars fool you. It's not as satisfying as they would lead you to believe. Now if you're lying there and the other two are focused on your pleasure, it can be pretty fun; but often you are then obliged to return the favor, times two.

Now let's move on to the idea of spicing up your sex life when in a relationship. Often times, when the sex has become routine, perhaps even boring, couples will try new things, even new people in an effort to rekindle some kind of physical spark. I've done it. When my longest relationship felt stagnant and we had lost our connection, my partner and I made some attempt in this direction. It didn't even come close to solving our problems, however, as it seemed that when a third person was present, we focused all of our energy on him, never even touching each other. If anything, it spread us farther apart.

Now, reverse the situation. I was briefly involved with a couple that had been together for several years and was looking for a little outside pleasure. I would have to say that there was equal involvement physically, but it became fairly obvious rather quickly that one of the two was more interested in me both in and outside of the bedroom. In fact, at times it seemed that there was tension between the two over my presence, which made the situation rather uncomfortable. That's why my involvement was so brief.

Based on my own experience, I haven't seen any good come out of the threesome scenario beyond a little temporary pleasure, regardless of the moral implications of such a sexual act. It generally won't fix what's wrong with a relationship. If anything, it's only going to make things worse, if not create problems where there weren't any before. If you're single and just want to experiment a little, more power to you. If you're in a relationship and feel the need to look elsewhere for pleasure, perhaps there is more wrong with your relationship than you are willing to admit.

Like Watching A Train Wreck

It seems that no matter how vile and disgusting something is, there is something in our brains that overpowers our sense of reason and decency and demands our attention. It's as if our sense of curiosity overtakes us. It's like watching a plane crash or a car accident, or a gory movie. We know it's going to be bad, there will be blood and gore; and yet we can't take our eyes away. We can't turn our heads.

You would think there would be a limit to what we could stand; but, it looks like the latest internet obsession would prove otherwise. I can't say that I am innocent in the matter as I was forewarned before entering the address 2girls1cup.com into my window browser, but I can say that I regret doing it. I think it may be the most horrific thing I have ever laid eyes on. I only made it through about 15 seconds or so before I started to feel sick, but I am told that it goes on for about a minute. Whoever could find what these 2 girls do to each other sexually arousing must have something wrong with them.

You'll notice I've failed to divulge any details about the site, but I can't hardly think about it much less describe it in detail as I nearly vomited from the brief seconds I was able to keep my eyes focused on the screen. I just wonder if your own curiosity will lead you to be one of the many who have viewed this horrid nonsense. Just don't say that I didn't warn you.

The Injustice of HomeOwner's Associations

You will have to excuse me as I have been a little distracted this past week. I have been in dispute with my home owner's association over the placement of a satellite dish and it has taken up most of my energy. In fact it has nearly drained my energy trying to follow the rules to the letter as defined by a new set of policies that the association enacted at the end of October.

I realize that this has nothing to do with the main subject matter of this blog, but I'm feeling the need to vent somewhere, so I thank you for obliging me.

The main reason I wanted the satellite dish in the first place was because our local cable company does not provide the LOGO channel and has refused to add it to the lineup despite numerous requests. LOGO is, of course, the gay oriented channel with news and drama programs oriented towards the gay community. Without the satellite dish, I am stuck without it. The home owner's association has enacted new policies, however, that restrict where and how a satellite can be placed, which leaves me with no choice but to scrap the whole installation or pay out the nose to accommodate the rules. So I am stuck with no LOGO, and a pitiful number of HD channels after paying a fortune for a new television to watch it on.

Needless to say, I am frustrated by the entire situation. As a result, any romantic thoughts have entirely left my brain at the moment, and I apologize that I cannot focus enough to provide you with a more appropriate entry. Although, I suppose that distraction to the point of a lack of intimate thoughts is a romantic problem. But perhaps that is stretching things a bit.

Anyway, I suppose we should have a moral for today. Let it be that all should have fair access to the LOGO channel, and if your area does not provide it, request it until they do! Thanks for listening.