Worrying for Nothing

Whether it’s the uncertainty of a new love, the instability of a blossoming romance, or our own insecurities, it is often difficult not to think the worst or want to give up when even the slightest problem or misunderstanding arises. I’ve seen it a hundred times; I’ve been guilty of it myself. He doesn’t return our call right away or goes M.I.A. for a few days and we think the worst, imagine him with someone else or assume he’s lost interest. We call our friends, analyze his last few text messages, go over it in our heads a hundred times. We do a little boy-bashing; wonder ‘why?’ wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. We do it all except wait patiently or ask him directly what’s going on. If we just did that there really wouldn’t be a problem. But instead, we agonize over it and prepare ourselves for the worst, start thinking about moving on or what our other current options are in the romance realm.

Then he finally calls or our doorbells ring with him at the door. Everything is alright again, it was just a misunderstanding. In fact, it had nothing to do with us at all. We’re back on cloud nine. We were bad-mouthing and full of doubt for nothing. We’re happy and alright, at least until it happens again and the roller-coaster starts anew.

Is it worth it, though? Is the constant worry and up and down what a relationship is supposed to be about? In the beginning, when you’re getting to know each other, it is a necessary evil. You can’t know for sure what’s going on or if he’s telling the truth until you’ve had a chance to establish trust. You just have to wait it out until that point is reached. It takes a little bit of a faith, but for some of us, even that little bit is difficult to muster as our hearts are riddled with the bullet holes and shrapnel of past heartbreak. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible, it may just take a little longer. The beginning of a relationship is about that back and forth, that wonder and uncertainty, testing each other and establishing limits and boundaries until the relationship matures and you grow together as a unit.

Having said that, you would think that the issue here is trust. To some extent it is; but there is an underlying problem that we are ignoring here if we leave it at that. When we subject ourselves to this roller-coaster of doubt and uncertainty (and yes, they are most often self-imposed), when we agonize over his apparent disregard for our presence, we often do so in response to our own insecurities. We worry that we are not go enough, that we do not hold enough interest for him to want to be with us. We doubt our own value and forget that it’s supposed to go both ways, that he has to trust us and want us just as much as we do him. We go on the defense, trying to hold on and hold his interest. But if we do it for too long it becomes a game, and the relationship becomes nothing more than a contest, a pointless exercise in control and an inaccurate measure of self-worth. And in that case, it is no longer a relationship at all.

While we may have moments of doubt and wonder about our partners once in a while as we grow with them and relationships development, it is important to remember that there are always going to be times when he has to do things on his own, and yes he may not return a call right away or be around every day when and where you want him to be. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. You’ve just got to have a little bit of faith, and enough self-esteem to know that it probably has nothing to do with you and that everything will work out fine. And if it doesn’t, then you’ll move on just as strong as you were before it all started.