Waning Attraction

"My husband and I have a strange relationship," she said. "We have three kids, and we've been together about that many times. I'm probably exaggerating, but you get the idea. Seriously, we have sex twice a year or so, and I have to initiate it."

"Why, what's the problem," I ask, patiently listening.

"Apparently I'm too heavy," (and to this I give a gasped surprise as the woman in front of me may be a few pounds over a size 9, but by no means obese or in any way unattractive because of her current weight). "I am heavier than when we got married, but I have three kids..."

As my conversation with one of my co-workers continued, a lot of thoughts went through my head. We could go one of two ways with this, the first being the idea of losing your attraction to your partner, the other being a relationship with little or no sexual activity involved. Let's start with the first one today.

I once had a relationship myself in which the sexual part of the relationship began to wain after a while. When I pressed the issue, I was often told that I had gained too much weight. I had in fact gained about 30 pounds since our relationship had started, but still 220 pounds on a 6'1" frame is hardly obese. Yes I was overweight, but why did he have to throw it in my face? And in fact, it was the sex that started to dissipate before the weight gain. I often think that I had started to substitute chocolate chip cookies for the sex that wasn't there any more.

If it wasn't actually the weight gain that started the problem, though, then what was the problem? Was there a loss of attraction on the part of one or both of us? Was the physical part of our relationship waning and disappearing? And if the attraction does disappear, what can be done about it?

My co-worker had decided long ago to stay married to her husband despite their problems in the bedroom; but it often seems that most people don't stick around to wait it out or try to fix the problem, especially gay men. Often as soon as that spark wilts even the slightest bit, he's gone to the next man that catches his eye, off to the next bedroom and the next good lay.

Yes, sex is an important part of the relationship, but there is also a lot of other things that make a partnership fulfilling. If you care enough about each other then surely you would try to work on the problem rather than just walking away without even trying.

In the relationship I was referring to earlier, there were a lot of other issues that build up that not only affected our sex life but also ate away at many aspects of our relationship to the point that it was not healthy for us to be together anymore, but at least I did try to address and correct the problems (although unsuccessfully). If I had just walked away, I would probably always have that question in my mind as to whether it could have worked or not. As it stands, I know there was no way it could.

And on a final note, I must say that flat out telling your partner he or she is unattractive, whether from gaining weight or otherwise, is rarely productive. If you care about your partner, then work on the problem together. One of the most basic needs that most of us have as humans in the need to feel desired, and if you tell us you don't want us, it's a pretty big blow. If the relationship needs to end, that's one thing; and if the fire really is gone, then by all means look for a way to relight it, but at least be civil about it.