Infidelity As Revenge

Getting Back to our theme for the moment on the extracurricular activities of our partners, I have recently been asked whether or not I myself have ever cheated on a partner. The answer to that, I am a little ashamed to admit, is yes. Whatever the reasons anyone else has used for their betrayals, mine were mostly, firstly, in a search to feel desired, and then later (although perhaps subconsciously) in an effort to exact revenge on a partner that I felt had left me emotionally abandoned.

How did it begin? I suppose the internet was my first step into betrayal. After my love life with by 'husband' has started to wain a few years after being together, I began to feel a little less than desirable. He stopped being affectionate, loving. he stopped wanting me sexually. It started with chat rooms like yahoo and the like. I would talk to people, get to know them. They would ask me to meet them, talk dirty to me, arouse my sense of self worth and desirability. I remember marveling at the fact the such a large number of the men on there had partners, talked about waining sex lives, were blatantly and openly going for something 'extra.' For a long time, that's all it was for me, though, talk. I never them or talked to them more than once or twice. I just needed that sense of being wanted. I needed to feel desired.

As things progressed, however, my relationship was not improving and I began to need more physical contact that I was getting. When my partner was out of town or gone for the evening at work, I began to venture out to meet some of these internet people. Not often, mind you, but perhaps once every couple of months or so my flesh would burn with a desire that could not be quenched on my own despite my best efforts. I just had to have some kind of physical contact and my partner was not providing it.

He even accused my once. He had accidentally pulled up a conversation I had had on an IM service and questioned my lengthy and mysterious hours spent staring at the screen not allowing him to see what I was doing. I denied it at the time, eventually admitting only that it was just talk (which it mostly was), tried to explain that it was about feeling desired and needing someone to want me. But he didn't understand, or else didn't want to. Eventually I even tried to bring up the idea of having an open relationship. At that point I was willing to try anything. he was not to keen on the idea. We sort of discussed it, but apparently not well enough, for when I decided to test this arrangement by bringing someone home with me and into the spare bedroom, the response was not exactly one of acceptance.

Everything sort of deteriorated from that point on. The open relationship idea was a complete bust as it seemed only to pull us further apart. It was like trying to put a small band aid on a broken arm and hoping it would heal. Suddenly there were new and more exciting lovers to experience, and the tired old 'you and me' became less and less desirable to both of us.

As sick as it sounds, it became almost a competition between us to see who could lure more people in, who could command a greater prowess, who was more desired. He brought home a young man once from the local college with whom he proceeded to very loudly make scream with pleasure in the next room while I tried to sleep. Instead of leaving or calling a truce, my revenge was to bring one home on my own and to do it right back to him. It was a dark day in my history, and one that I am not proud of. I was spiraling down into a devious and dark world that I didn't belong in.

Eventually it got so bad that I had little choice but to remove myself from the situation. If I hadn't, who knows how far I would have let it go, and the only direction it was going was right down the toilet. Of course, I ended up walking into an even worse situation, but that's a story for another day.

So, in the end, whether it was just a symptom of the many things wrong with our partnership or the beginning of many other problems, my infidelity began the demise of my longest relationship so far. I don't want to say I regret doing it, although I am ashamed that I was capable of it. It was a necessary learning process in my evolution. I would like to think that I am a better person that to use such an act to hurt my partner, but I guess we never really know what we are capable of until we're faced with it head on.

Emperors and Empresses

Last week I had one of those days that seems to be themed. One of those days when everything seems to pour from the same source and to somehow be connected. After a lazy morning and a batch of burnt cookies, I spent the afternoon with the television and a re-airing of the old, gay-loved classic, Funny Girl. One of the classic leading ladies, Barbara Streisand, filled the screen with her presence and the room with song. I am usually not one who loves movies like this or subscribes to the list of Divas supposedly loved by gays everywhere (Liza, Judy, Marlena, Cher, Madonna); but this one is not so bad, and I was in the rare mood for a musical.

And, wouldn't you know it, later that day I was invited by a couple of friends of mine to share an evening of Divas of another kind and another gender. It would seem that every year for the past decade or so, our little town of Lexington has honored those who perform in our bars and nightclubs every week with an awards ceremony not unlike those on television with categories ranging from 'Outstanding Achievement in Hair' and 'Outstanding Achievement in Dance' to 'Outstanding Achievement in Male Impersonation.' If you hadn't guessed it, the awards are mostly for those who perform at the opposite gender of their birth, namely Drag Queens and Transgendered individuals; which, if you've never made it to a gay club in America, is a staple in almost every establishment of any significant size.

Aptly named, my first attendance at the "Falsies" was an enlightening one. It was a night filled with massive amounts of make-up, long, flowing dresses, big hair, dance numbers to songs from all the Divas (to continue my themed day from Barbara to ABBA to Janet) with the proceeds going to local charities, and a decent amount of banter from two of our local newscasters who emceed the show (to my great and pleasant surprise). 'Ladies' thanked their husbands after winning their little gold statuettes, boys did the same. It was a room filled with acceptance more than anything. Families came to support their children, parents, siblings, all right alongside their brothers and sons in full drag and high heels. Several checks were awarded to local charities to support those with AIDS and organizations helping gay causes.

Every year the Imperial Court of Kentucky names one male and one 'female' the title of Emperor and Empress to perform charitable and social duties for the organization through the coming year, and tonight, it seemed they were all out. Crowns and tiaras glittered from the stage as the awards were given out, including one called the 'Michael Thompson Community Service Award,' which is apparently given to a person showing great strides and effort in the area of community service. I found it quite touching to know that the people behind such effort and such selflessness in our community actually do receive some recognition for their work. It sort of makes one want to do more to give back to the community, something we should all strive for, evening if that simply means attending events planned in our communities. One of my companions said to me that we he was glad I had agreed to come along as it would seem that opportunities to participate and attends events like this, especially ones so linked to the GLBT community are becoming rarer and rarer. And if we don't support what's left, soon there may be nothing left to attend at all. Someone has to care and make that effort, or else we are left with nothing, no voice and no community.

So to the Emperors and Empresses and all those behind the scenes, thank you for your efforts. I'll be back next year to see you all again at the 'Falsies.'

The 'Falsies' are an annual event held at the State Theatre in Lexington Kentucky.

The Day Green Became a New Beginning

It is unfortunate that St. Patrick's Day had to occur on a Monday this year and, on top of that, after a long string a very hard days at work at my day job that has left me too tired to properly celebrate with green beer or, really, alcohol of any kind. It is a far cry from last year, when the holiday brought on the most drunken state I have experienced since college (or maybe ever). Besides the vomiting in a friend's yard at the end of the night; clogging the sink of the bathroom at the bar we were at with a deadly mixture of chocolate fondue, cranberry juice, and vodka (I couldn't help that the toilet was occupied); and the terrible headache the next day over eggs and fried potatoes at Bob Evans, the night turned out to be rather momentous.

The night began at a cocktail party, a pre-drinking event that saw the coming and going of several people that I did not know and have yet to see since, spare 3 or 4 of them. Following, we were off to a little bar downtown where we dined on watermelon martinis and a delicious mixture of fruit, marshmallows, bread, and brownies, all decadently dipped in chocolate fondue. It was my first dip into the social world of gay men and their friends, at least in Lexington. It was something I had never really even thought about. Before this, I had chosen my mate and spend my time with him and the domestic world of keeping house and home. Never did it even occur to me that there was an active nightlife, and social network of friends and acquaintances that I could actively participate in and enjoy. Of course, I had been to bars before, been out drinking more times than I cared to count; but, never before had I been in the 'in crowd' been part of what was making the night exciting. Always before it had been more of a spectator sport. I had always been the one in the corner not quite feeling like I belonged. With a stick of strawberries and chocolate in one hand and a martini in the other, I was suddenly in the middle of it all. Of course, I exaggerate in attributing this entire revelation to one night of socializing. It had occurred over several months, this change, but I did suddenly seem to become aware of it right then.

I think perhaps the food curved my blood alcohol content at that point, and that caused my biggest mistake of the evening. When we made our way down to the local primary gay establishment, we walked in, and it seemed that I knew at least fifty percent of the people in the bar. Every turn I made was a friendly hello or hug, or big gay greeting. I was a little disturbed by this fact. Perhaps I had been spending too much time here. Nonetheless, I made my up the stairs to the bar next to the dance floor where I knew one of the bartenders. I ordered a vodka and cranberry and a straight shot of vodka to boost my buzz. The problem with that was that the shot he gave me was probably more like three shots in one. I wasn't paying close enough attention to it, though, and drank the whole thing in one gulp.......Never again.

It would seem that after I threw up the first time in the downstairs bathroom, I was spotted by one of my best girlfriends. Apparently I knew more people in the bar than I thought. And at this point, I wasn't out to but a handful of my straight friends. Suddenly I was outed and my two worlds were colliding. It didn't really occur to me to think of those implications at that moment, I was in a daze and drunkenly happy; but suddenly there was no more hiding. By the end of the night, every one of my friends in the city had been told through telephone calls and text messages. After that, everything is a blur. I was found upstairs in a stupor by my friends who had promised not to leave me there, and we were off to warm beds and swirling ceilings.

Never again have I allowed myself to be that inebriated, it is not something I am in the habit of; but I wouldn't take back that night for anything. It was the first night in months, maybe even years, that I was able to let go and enjoy what was going on around me. I was coming out of deep dark depression and a mess of bad relationships and mistakes. I was trying desperately to find a way to make a mark for myself and to be myself without withholding anything from my friends. Somehow, that night, it was done for me, and my friendships have grown ever deeper since then. I am more comfortable with myself and with enjoying the company of all my friends, gay and straight. I am more myself, and that night was perhaps an important beginning to realizing that. I wouldn't take it back for anything.

Of course, a year later, I am sitting at home writing about last year. Not a drop of alcohol this St. Patrick's Day. I wouldn't trade that, either, though. I've made it pretty far in a much better direction this past year. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!

Know For Sure Before Accusing

If there is one thing to remember when accusing a partner of infidelity it is that you should be sure of the action before doing so. If you go into it with only a hunch and it turns out not to be true, you've needlessly opened a whole vault of emotions and planted a seed of mistrust that cannot be taken back. Instantly you have told your partner that you believe him to be a liar or engaged in deceit towards you that could ultimately destroy your relationship. And if he believes that you do not trust him, it can breed resentment and a sense of being tested and trapped with a fear of always having to look over his shoulder for who is keeping tabs on him.

Have something to show him, something to prove that he is lying is he starts to deny the fact, if he starts to get defensive; but be prepared for the consequences if it turns out to be true. Once you start digging, there is no going back. If he is getting his sausage seasoned by another's spice, then have your game plan ready before you go after him. Know what you're going to do: put up with it, give him a second change, or move on and find a better man. If you are not prepared and know what you are going to do, you run the risk of being walked all over. There is no time to be indecisive in a situation involving cheating, if you are wishy-washy, if you let him believe that you're going to put up with it, you may end up putting up with over and over again until your heart is shattered into a million pieces.

In the end, when it's all said and done, infidelity is really a matter of trust. If he has broken your trust and gone behind your back with another, then you have decide whether you can ever really trust him again. And, frankly, from my own experience, I truly believe that there cannot be a mature relationship without an absolute level of trust between the two of you. When you are accusing someone of cheating, you are accusing them of breaking that trust; and if you break that fundamental foundation of the relationship, it's going to be hard to get it back.

Before you call him on his frequent unexplained disappearances, before you ask him who he's been spending his evenings with, where he goes on his own in the afternoons or while you're at work, just be sure that you it's true and be prepared for what's to come because of it. If you didn't sign up for an open relationship, then don't put up with it, but don't go accusing without a solid base to back you up.

Cheating as a Rule?

Every once in a while there is a scene in a television show or movie or a paragraph in a book that brings on a sense of revelation or deep reflection. Something that forces one to look at things a bit differently than before. The moment stays with us, reminds us, serves as a reference point in our own lives as our own story lines progress.

Several years ago, I recall sitting in front of the television watching Sarah Jessica Parker sipping coffee across the table from a handsome man of 30 or so in an outdoor cafe in New York discussing something called the 'international gay rules." It would seem that, according to this particular gentleman, there were a few different rules regarding fidelity for those who play for the other team. It would seem that extracurricular activities are accepted in gay relationships as long as a few simple rules are followed, mainly that nothing progress beyond oral sex and that no repeat visits occur.

The response to this disclosure on the program was to question why he felt that he could not be satisfied by just one partner, to which he responded with something to the effect of not holding very high expectations for his relationships. The way the conversation played out, it would seem that every gay man knew of these rules, that they were universal within the community. As a gay man myself (albeit quite young at the time), I was a little disturbed by the fact that I had never heard of such a set of rules before. I had been raised to believe that when you chose a partner you were each other's only and completely, there were no other's involved, especially in the bedroom. It had never occurred to me that the gender of your partner might alter those rules. This was a revelation to my naive mind, a lesson to be learned. Not everyone believed in sexual monogamy, in fact, apparently there was a whole sect that rejected it completely as a general rule.

As I reflect on this idea now, years after seeing those few minutes of screenplay acted out on my television screen, it bothers me to think that we, as gay men, do not expect more from our relationships. Why shouldn't our partners be enough for us, fully satisfying both emotionally and sexually. Why would we sell ourselves short in what we demand of our partners by allowing such sexual deviations. I'm not saying that open-relationships cannot work, that they are wrong. That is a completely separate issue. They have riddled our histories throughout time and no doubt will continue to do so. My question here is why would we completely dismiss the idea of a monogamous, true two person partnership, however old-fashioned it may be, simply because of the fact that we are partnered as two men? Do we have so little faith in ourselves that we don't even accept the possibility?

we will be continuing a series on the subject of infedility for the next few weeks...

Why Do We Cheat?

I have always wondered why people cheat on their partners. What exactly goes through a person's mind when he or she makes that conscious decision to stray from their lover, to inflict that pain and strain on their primary relationship by bringing another soul into the defined pair. If a relationship has been defined and there is an understanding of monogamy and loyalty, then what leads us to deviate from that framework?

Is it boredom? Does the monotony of monogamy lead us to search out and explore something different from our everyday?

Is it the thrill of the chase, the conquest of a new sexual seduction that has been long ago lost in the one we have already captured?

Is it a search for a deeper spiritual connection, a search for the missing pieces in our lives that our partner has failed to satisfy?

Perhaps it is the thrill of doing something forbidden, something that churns the heart into overdrive and makes our palms sweat with the fear of getting caught.

Is it revenge? A way to hurt our partners for some wrong they have done to us?

Perhaps the grass is simply greener on the other side: a better lover, a better body, a bigger orgasm?

Whatever the reason, or combination of reasons, what I wonder about is how it goes from being a thought in the brain, a fantasy, to the reality of flesh and secrecy. Certainly extra partners don't just appear out of nowhere demanding sex. There has to be some sort of initiation and follow-thru on the part of the one cheating. And how do we justify doing it after the fact, how do we continue to do it over and over again?

to be continued...

The Only Real Snow in Lexington This Winter

Here are some photographs from our big snow this weekend (although I would hardly call 6 inches a big snow). Still, it made for an interesting Sunday afternoon in the forest.

Rufus Wainwright - A Sample

I thought I would share a song from the openly gay singer/songwriter Rufus Wainwright. I saw this song performed live at a concert. He said at the time that he felt priveledged to live in a country that would allow him to sing such a song, that allowed him to speak his mind in this way.

The Suffering of the Single Man?

My mother is in the habit of sending me envelopes stuffed with coupons she thinks I might need along with articles she has clipped from the newspaper that she thinks are suitable reading. I opened up my latest package this morning to find an article entitled Marriage isn't always the best way to go, Single Men Fight for Empowerment. I suppose that she is trying to tell me that it is alright to be on my own; but surely, I don't need to hear it from her local newspaper.

The article describes how people are waiting longer and longer these days to get married, how men are finding it less advantageous to pair up as financial and emotional independence are more the order of the day. It describes how single women have been applauded as of late with shows like Sex in the City and goes on to some of the troubles associated with being single late in life at work: the stigma and questions involved when a man of a certain age is without a wife. I hate to see anyone suffer discrimination for the life choices he's made, but I have a hard time feeling sorry for a straight man in a situation that countless gay men have suffered scrutiny for for years, even decades. Why is a sudden surge in the number of straight men taking flack for being single a cause for exposing the issue and a call of empowerment and acceptance? How many gay men have dealt with being single, or worse, having to appear to be single to the outside world while hiding their relationships from co-workers and the public eye over the past century? I certainly don't recall any call for empowerment in any of those instances.

The article cites several problems at work including "speculation about a single man's sexual preferences and, concomitantly, a difficulty in making friends with heterosexual co-workers because colleagues might question his motives." Sound oddly familiar to me. I guess when the rumors of homosexuality are false, then it becomes a problem to address.

I guess my problem here is that this stigma associated with being single has been around for years and people have needlessly suffered for their life choices due to the close-mindedness and assumptions of those around them. Whether we choose to marry or be single, our worth should be based on our individual actions and achievements. Perhaps we are a little late in trying to dispel the wrong in the assumptions we make about single people, especially single men.