Cheating as a Rule?

Every once in a while there is a scene in a television show or movie or a paragraph in a book that brings on a sense of revelation or deep reflection. Something that forces one to look at things a bit differently than before. The moment stays with us, reminds us, serves as a reference point in our own lives as our own story lines progress.

Several years ago, I recall sitting in front of the television watching Sarah Jessica Parker sipping coffee across the table from a handsome man of 30 or so in an outdoor cafe in New York discussing something called the 'international gay rules." It would seem that, according to this particular gentleman, there were a few different rules regarding fidelity for those who play for the other team. It would seem that extracurricular activities are accepted in gay relationships as long as a few simple rules are followed, mainly that nothing progress beyond oral sex and that no repeat visits occur.

The response to this disclosure on the program was to question why he felt that he could not be satisfied by just one partner, to which he responded with something to the effect of not holding very high expectations for his relationships. The way the conversation played out, it would seem that every gay man knew of these rules, that they were universal within the community. As a gay man myself (albeit quite young at the time), I was a little disturbed by the fact that I had never heard of such a set of rules before. I had been raised to believe that when you chose a partner you were each other's only and completely, there were no other's involved, especially in the bedroom. It had never occurred to me that the gender of your partner might alter those rules. This was a revelation to my naive mind, a lesson to be learned. Not everyone believed in sexual monogamy, in fact, apparently there was a whole sect that rejected it completely as a general rule.

As I reflect on this idea now, years after seeing those few minutes of screenplay acted out on my television screen, it bothers me to think that we, as gay men, do not expect more from our relationships. Why shouldn't our partners be enough for us, fully satisfying both emotionally and sexually. Why would we sell ourselves short in what we demand of our partners by allowing such sexual deviations. I'm not saying that open-relationships cannot work, that they are wrong. That is a completely separate issue. They have riddled our histories throughout time and no doubt will continue to do so. My question here is why would we completely dismiss the idea of a monogamous, true two person partnership, however old-fashioned it may be, simply because of the fact that we are partnered as two men? Do we have so little faith in ourselves that we don't even accept the possibility?

we will be continuing a series on the subject of infedility for the next few weeks...