Happy Anniversary

I have been waiting for it to come for about a month now, and today I nearly let it go and forgot completely that today is the one year anniversary of this very blog. It began on a warm day last June when I stumbled upon the template that allowed me to create this blog and begin the type-key journey that has brought me to yet another warm June day, one of the hottest so far this year, one partly filled with sunshine and a thunderstorm or two. Funny, that seems to be how the past year has gone, a mix of deep emotional storms and bright happy days.

I had my doubts as to whether I was going to make to this milestone and actually stick with it for an entire year or longer, but it seems to have crept up on me faster than I had thought. What strikes me even more is how different a place I am in this year as compared to where I was just 365 days ago. I was in a place where I was focused on what I had lost or was losing (mainly significant others) rather than what I had in front of me or what I was gaining. There have been a number of relationships (platonic and otherwise) that have grown so much this past year that I can't imagine how I ever made it without them before. While I do forget sometimes, I have been blessed with a myriad of good people around me, and that network of support seems to have truly solidified itself this past year to a point that I am truly comfortable simply being myself.

It's been a rocky year of ups and downs, drama, betrayal, laughter, and fun. Almost like one big giant soap opera. I guess that's what most of us get, a soap opera starring ourselves that only really ends when we die, if then. Every time I complained of being bored, something was always there to take that away in a second, often to the point that I begged for the boredom back. But I guess that is no different that any other year in my life or anyone else's for that matter. Everything just seemed to have been a little more exaggerated and extreme and in a greater state of flux this past year or so. I don't imagine the next year will be any less roller-coasterish, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

To the year that was 26 June 2007 to 26 June 2008.

Let's hope the next one is just as memorable.

Happy Anniversary Modern Gay Romance.

Quote of the Week #5

Life is hard, but we cling to it all the same.

-Philip Pullman

Bright Yellow Rain

I had a dream last night, or more of a vision in a half-conscious state. The world was black, or deep blue, the same as the night sky. All was dark, no stars, no moon, nothing. And form the sky came a bright yellow rain, like paint down out of nowhere, covering the rooftops, flowing over gutter edge, filling the cracks in the sidewalk. Drips of thick, deeply bright yellow almost cartoonish in their curves and drops and brightness as if it were all out of a graphic novel, pouring over the infinite, abandoned blackness. On and on it went, this contrast, the bright rain and the dark world, never mixing, just one on top of, next to, and around the other.

Such is the state of my mind these days, a paradox of improbable possibilities and contradictions that don't seem to be able to resolve themselves. Emotionally and socially exhausted after a long stretch of events and happenings these past couple of years, I am at a loss as to where to go from here. Part of me wants to just disappear for a while, take a sabbatical to the other side of the country or the other side of the world after throwing my cell phone into the deepest lake I can find. Part of me feels the deepest need to create something, to inject this state of confusion into a paint brush and throw it onto a canvas or dip my hands into a ball of clay and contort it to no end. Part of me wants to start over completely and leave everything behind, and part of me wants simply to get through the next day with some semblance of sanity.

It's funny how the state of mind can alter so dramatically. Really, nothing has changed in my life physically, and no one has left my little circle of a world for me to mourn over. Nothing new has appeared to disrupt my state of being; and yet everything about my emotionally state seems to have shifted so far from where it was before that I don't see a way of getting back. Perhaps it is simply the introverted part of my personality finally reappearing after a very long hiatus, draining me of all of my energy and forcing me to withdraw and refuel for the next adventure. The only problem with that is that I cannot for the life of me see what the next adventure is or even get a semblance of an idea of what direction it will lead me. Perhaps this is what happens to people who don't have children and will most likely never have children. There comes a point where you wonder what exactly the point of it all is. If there is no one to pass the torch on to, no legacy or next generation and no prospect of one, then you are pretty much the end of the line. There is no more. It becomes a world about you and you alone, a selfish world, and surely that is not all that life is supposed to be about.

Perhaps that is the challenge, to find whatever it is I can do to pass on what is me to those around me and those to come, even if they aren't necessarily 'mine.' Perhaps it is my challenge in this life to find a greater purpose and make my own existence worth more that what it appears on the surface. I just wish there was some clue as to what that purpose is supposed to be. I just wish there was some way to figure out where the bright yellow rain is coming from in order to get it to pour over this abysmally dark world.

Passion Vs Sanity

Time and time again I've heard the age old complaint, "we just don't have sex anymore," or "he never seems to want it," and generally this is coming from couples who have been together a while, have established their relationship, and would be considered doing well in those relationships. On the flip side, there seems to be a growing number of men I know who are in the midst of having steamy passionate sex, but in volatile, quick-ending relationships that tax the emotional heart and leave them reeling for something more stable. It seems almost a paradox, as if we must make a choice between stable and sane, or passionate and volatile.

The same has happened to me over and over again in the past. I've had relationships that have waned after a while, physically, and the relationships have seemed to dissipate as if once we were comfortable with each other we had had enough. No more hunt and chase excitement. I've had relationships in which the sex was so passionate and immediate it was hard to hold back, only to be wrought with uncertainty and instability outside the bedroom. Either he's great in bed, but is an asshole and jerk; or he's friendly and nice as can be but doesn't light your fire.

Let's look at the pros and cons:

Passion:

• Great sex (obviously)
• Romance? What's that?
• Quick Fizzle, easy out
• Constant anxiety (is he really into me or am I just a play toy?)
• Passion = fights and heated argument outside the bedroom
• May not have to spring for dinner, just head straight for the bed
• When you're not in bed, he's off with his friends or after another 'piece of tail'
• Once you're naked and over with it, there's nothing more to talk about.
• Someone always ends up feeling jipped in the end
• The relationship is often on and off again, and each time you swear you won't take him back, but you do anyway.

Sanity:

• Stability (you know he'll never cheat)
• He always remember the flowers on Valentine's Day
• Harder to leave (you know you'll break his heart)
• Money-the dinner's, the flowers, the gifts, $$$$$, goodbye savings
• Companionship (grow old together, already)
• Lackluster sex life, you go to bed horny every night
• Common goals, common interests
• Conversation isn't difficult, you have things to talk about
• You have someone to call you're own, and you know it actually counts

Of course, these are extremes used to illustrate a point, but you get the idea. Only on a rare occasion has there been an in-between for me, a good sex life along with a stable, sane everyday existence with my partner. Those are the relationships that have lasted the longest, that have held love and passion and sanity together at the same time. Perhaps that is the key to finding a lasting partner, finding that mix that satisfies both sides. Until the day that you find the perfect mix, which do you choose?

Quote of the Week #4

Like an apple on a tree

Hiding out behind the leaves

I was difficult to reach

But you picked me!

-A Fine Frenzy, You Picked Me

For Better or Worse

There is something about a wedding that seems to highlight whatever emotional state you happen to be in at that moment in your life. Happily in love? A wedding seems to bring a pang of joy. Just broken up? Suddenly a rush of memories flood back and you seem to be drowning. Single and alone? Jealousy or resentment or deep sadness seem to set in. Whatever the emotion, for that afternoon or evening, it seems to be like an elephant in a small room right in front of you.

I used to loathe weddings, dreaded them with a passion as couples got up and danced, smiled into each others faces, were reminded of the love they had and of which I was severely lacking. It was all about love, a love that I thought that I would never be privileged to enjoy. And even if I did, what were the chances that there would be groups this large that would celebrate the kind of love that I would have? What were the chances that any union I chose would even be legal?

I used to imagine the happy couple off on their honeymoon, enjoying the world, just the two of them, in wedded bliss. Like magic, I imagined, they were suddenly happy forever like a fairy tale. Of course, we all know that's not what really happens, but those were the musings of a child. That was my fantasy. At that time, I don't know that I even thought of it being possible with another man. Perhaps that's why I seemed to fall into a deep depression for several days after the big event. I thought that this was a world that I would never be privy to, a club that I would never be allowed to join.

I know it's not the wedding, though, that really matters. It's not the rings and the cake and the dancing. I know it's really about a commitment, a promise, a combining of two lives; and you don't need anyone there to share that with you except the partner you have chosen. As I grew older, I imagined a more private ceremony, just me and my partner on a beach in Australia and a couple of rings. Quiet, special, just me and him, forever. Times are changing, I know. Californians are preparing to get married by the droves after a recent change in law. It would seem that same sex couples are everywhere. Even still, I wonder if I will ever make it to such a blessed a day, a day about just me and my partner, committing forever.

I recently participated in a family wedding, one that was so packed with events and pictures and ceremony that I hardly had time to register what was happening much less be panged with a rush of emotion. I sat and watched the bride dance in the center of the room. It was her day, her joy to celebrate. All was well. Then my eyes scanned the rest of the room A gentleman I knew to be recently divorced sat to the side a little disturbed. It was obvious he was remembering happier times and longing for the past. A young couple across the way, still newlyweds, danced the fox trot together with big smiles. They were still in the prime of their joy together. A young woman sat alone across from her older aunts, shy and wondering if anyone would dance with her. She was wondering if her day would ever come, if she would ever be the one in the white dress. An older woman sat by herself as her daughter danced, remembering her late husband and longing for one last kiss.

For better or worse, it would seem that everyone had something to remember, something to ponder or agonize over, some emotion to explore or try to suppress. Almost a mental circus in a sense. I was better off than usual this time, although perhaps I should have had a few glasses of wine fewer than I did. It's sometimes hard to simply be happy for another without worrying about your own situation. I did my best, though, and I am truly happy for the couple and wish them all the happiness in the world.

Just Details

I received the latest issue of Details magazine last week (one of the few magazines I have found interest enough in to read cover to cover on a consistent basis), threw it in my bag and had nearly forgotten about it until today. When I was able to catch some down time at work, I noticed it among my paperwork and various other publications and pulled it out for inspection. While the glassed pages are not considered geared towards a homosexual audience, they are rarely afraid to approach the subject. Although, I dare say that any magazine with such a large amount of fashion content and an abundance of fragrance samples can hardly consider itself out of the realm of the homosexual audience. I've never met a straight man who cared THAT much about the cut of his suit or the vastness of his summer shirt wardrobe or the shape of his swimwear and what it said about his personality.

In any case, while the stories don't generally overwhelm the issues contents, this latest one seems to have gone a little further than usual. The first main article I turned my eyes to related the story of the youngest superdelegate for the Democratic party, Jason Rae, a college student from Wisconsin. You have to get well into the article to get to it, but suddenly we learn that the young political mind is, in fact, gay; and, furthermore, was inadvertently outed to his family by joining a LGBT within the Democratic National Committee. I was a little shocked to see these words, expecting nothing more than a story on a young superdelegate, but then glad to see that this fact was not the focus of the article. Rather, it was treated like any other everyday fact and seemed to be included only to benefit a better whole picture of our subject. Just another guy (although an unusually politically ambition one) who just happens to be gay. Well handled in my book.

The other main article, (although perhaps a little more frivolous in it content, including pictures of flesh-color painted bananas and pink hot dogs on pink buns), related the mistaken sexual identity of certain straight men. Penning a new word, the author referred to them as 'strays' (straight men mistaken as gay). The article related the near impossibility of determining sexuality based on likes and dislikes, clothing, demeanor, etc. It would seem that there is no formula that will tell you whether a man is gay or straight. Well, DUH! Although, I must admit that on the graphic in the article listing 18 categories and the most likely choices of a gay vs straight vs stray man, I tended to agree mostly with the gay column on things like drink, music, and sport. I did have to dip several times into the two others to round out my choices, however. If nothing else, the article was good for a little laugh.

I have to applaud Details as it seems to have found a way to balance gay and straight, young and old, featuring articles on a wide variety of subjects. They seem to have found a way to make 'gay' just another possibility, another part of the whole man. It would seem that we are men first; and the rest is just, well, details.

Moment of Change

It's funny how one little thing, one event or one disagreement can change things for so many people. As I wrote about earlier this week, two close friends of mine have come to a disagreement that has, for all intents and purposes, ended in a complete separation of ways. The two have cut ties and decided not to pursue any form of friendship any further. While, I was able to keep myself out of the line of fire for the most part, what I have pondered on since the beginning of this entire affair is how things have suddenly changed in my social circle without me having anything directly to do with it.

Last evening, on the way home from work, I was struck a little baffled as to how to proceed from here. The current situation has made it virtually impossible to organize or attend the social gatherings we had all participated in together over the past several years without making someone in the group uncomfortable or unwilling to attend. Suddenly, where it wasn't even a question before, guest lists and invitees will have to be thoughtfully considered. In fact, some friendships may end up falling to the wayside altogether as collateral damage to the main event. It's anther paradigm shift in my social world.

It always seems to work this way, though. Change may build over time and seem inevitable after the fact; but, nearly always, there seems to be one big event or happening after which there is no turning back, there is no forgetting. Suddenly everything has changed, especially in relationships. My longest relationship turned itself completely over after I cheated on my partner. In another case, the news of a new job and a move away suddenly changed my whole perspective. In a third, I met a new love and suddenly was able to leave a destructive man behind for greener pastures. Almost always there is that moment of change, that moment of revelation that tells you that things are no longer the same.

I am a little anxious to see how everything turns out in the end, how each relationship involved here changes and either grows or falls apart. It seems almost to be a lesson in how one person's actions can affect so many others without even meaning to. But, there is perhaps no sense in worrying over it. One of my dearest friends favorite sayings is, "it'll all come out in the wash." I just hope we all don't end up stuffed in there and left so long we come out all wrinkled and worn and unwearable.

Quote of the Week #3

Love me like a river does, endlessly

-Melody Gardot, from Worrisome Heart

Leave MySpace to the Middle-Schoolers

As the events of the past week have unfolded within my circle of friends, I am reminded why I deleted my MySpace profile last year in search of something a little more worth my time.

While I don't knock the website for its networking opportunities and a way to catch up with old friends and relatives who have moved on or were lost somewhere along the way in our social worlds, there comes a point where MySpace can be more detrimental to a friendship than helpful. If used for honorable purposes, I really don't see anything wrong with the site, or those like it (I don't mean to single out MySpace in and of itself, as there are plenty of sites so similar they are nearly indistinguishable in intent, just consider it a representative for the larger group here); but when you use it to purposely hurt others, when it becomes the instrument of passive-aggressive malice, then perhaps it's time to find another hobby.

A wise woman told me a while back that she found such on-line endeavors to be no more than an exercise in self-importance, posting pictures for the world to see, counting friends lists, comparing yours to his, checking to see where you stand in the friend ranking (1!, 2?, 20?!?!?!?!?), pasting your life onto a lit up screen for anyone who wants to peek into your world. I dare say I am guilty of the last one here on this very blog, but I like to think there is a greater purpose here even if I'm only kidding myself. It was after hearing these words of wisdom that I chose to delete the profile I had and make a few other changes to the way I interacted with those around me, preferring the telephone and a live voice to e-mail (however old-fashioned that may be in 2008), enjoying a visit with a friend in person over dinner or even just a shared television program to posting messages on message boards that all the world can see. Another friend once said, on the subject that, "I actually have to call you to find out what's going on in your world. I can't just look it up on the internet." There's something comforting in that, for whatever reason.

But, of course, those are personal preferences. I know many who enjoy the back and forth of messages and pictures and encouraging words on their personal web profiles. The problem I have with these things is when you start using these messages and internet games to intentionally smite or hurt someone behind their back so publicly instead of addressing a problem head on.

Scenario: A good friend of mine went on-line the other day to discover that another good friend had dropped her from the #4 friend position all the way down to #20. Hmmmm. Suspicion arose. Then a quote arose as the opening line to her page that included some text about how some friends turn out to be enemies rather than true friends. She had already started to neglect inviting her to events that we were generally all invited to in our little circle, but nothing at all had been said as to why. Then begins the phone calls, the long conversations, the speculations, and the eventual discovery that the friend was suspicious of the other of making advances towards her husband. The retaliation: a complete deletion of the accusing friend from her MySpace profile altogether and a quote on her page in response of equal (although perhaps a little worse) malice. Again, a wave of phone calls, accusations, friends caught in the middle feeling like sides have to be picked, but not wanting to pick sides or feeling like they should be in the middle. Still, no direct contact or addressing of the subject from the first friend to the second, the one with the issue, the very person that needs to be addressed regarding the issue instead of involving half a dozen others. Next: a completely innocent third-party to the issue is deleted from the first friends profile for (it would seem) no more reason than not taking her side on the issue. And again, the speculation, the hurt....and so on and so on. If you think your confused, well.... If nothing else, the internet friend-bashing has blown the issue so far out of proportion that it is hard to see where everything started.

Perhaps this is sounding a little familiar to some of you, say sort of like passing notes across the classroom in 7th grade, scorning this one for looking cross-eyes at your 'boyfriend' and not letting her sit with you at lunch. It would seem to be just another way to avoid acting like an adult and actually dealing with the issues at hand with those actually involved. I thought we had evolved a little past that as all of us in our circle are nearing if not already past the age of 30. I guess maybe I was wrong. If you have something to say, just say it. While I don't presume to take a side here with either friend, what I am saying is that perhaps there is a more direct way to handle the situation. Perhaps it is time to leave the MySpace to the middle-schoolers!