All Bark and No Balls

I do not know why exactly I have been reminded of this the last day or so, but I feel the need to express one of my greatest pet peeves today, one of the very few things in life that makes me so irate that I can't hardly see straight. I am not generally one of those people that gets truly angry or even raises his voice more than a couple of times a year or so; but, when it does hit, it can be bad. Nearly 100% of the time, it has something to do with someone I know either flat out lying, withholding the truth, or saying something that he or she has no intention of following through with.

I realize that it is human nature to keep certain things private, to tell little white lies either to cover something up or to keep the peace, to fain excitement or interest when there is none there simply to be polite. Things like "let's catch a movie" and not seeing him for 2 months and never catching that movie. "Let's go on a cruise to the Mediterranean." "I'll call you, we'll go to dinner next week." "Yes, your dress is beautiful, very slimming." It happens everyday. No harm, no foul. We do it to friends, family, and acquaintances alike. It is expected, and because it expected, these things don't bother me so much. Especially with people I don't know very well. We sit at home sometimes and wonder why he didn't call, or why she doesn't want to come over; but really, in the end, it is all very simple. People do want they want. We are selfish in this way. We make decisions about what to do and who to associate ourselves with everyday. We choose to be at this place a this time, we choose to go on this date, we choose to call this person back, and we sacrifice other options in the process. In the end, it seems we choose the most personally appealing options, often at the expense of other people.

These are natural life processes. Decisions have to be made, and something will almost always be left out of the equation. No one can be blamed for that. People enter and leave our lives everyday and we think little of it. A certain points in our lives we choose companions and friends and grow close to them, making that series of decisions that leads to genuine human bonds. The rest just falls to the wayside.

My problem with this is that if we take it too far and become so engrossed in ourselves, so caught up in our own lives the way it seems so many have done in these United States, that life becomes so shallow as to have no meaning at all. We close ourselves off to new experiences and new people so much that our lives become encased in a netting of laziness and complacency. Sometimes we even close ourselves off to love. It is in this regard that I become so irate with the issue. When you are dealing with an emotion as strong and eternally complicated as love, I find it very difficult to put up with anyone who doesn't have the balls to follow through with what they say. I can deal with a friend who never calls to go to that movie. What I can't deal with is a lover (or potential lover) saying the L word without knowing for sure or thinking about the consequences.

In the last few years, I have developed a new perspective on life. I try not to say anything that I do not mean, and I try to follow through with every promise I make. It is a different lifestyle. If there's a show or a concert I want to see, I'll go to it if at all possible even if I have to go by myself. If I tell you we'll have dinner that week, be rest assured that I will call you about it. If I say I want to go to the other side of the world, I am going to do my damnedest to make it happen. If I don't have any intention of doing something, I won't say that I am going to. I don't expect everyone to be that way, but if you are going to be my partner in life, if we are going to embark on a journey or love and companionship, then I generally have to insist on it. If I say that word, if I open my heart to you in that way and put myself in that vulnerable position, then you can be sure that I mean it. If you say it back, you better mean it to. And no, you can't take it back. You can't decide a month later that you made a mistake and try to take it back. You can't decide that you are suddenly not ready, because in that regard, you have presented yourself to your partner in a false way. You have portrayed a false sense of yourself if you were not sure of your love, if you weren't sure of the relationship. And in that way, you hurt not only your partner, but yourself by wasting the time and energy it takes to stay in a relationship.

Call it leading someone on, call it flat out lying, call it placating for the temporary pleasures of sex. We all use those little lines, those cute romantic phrases and compliments that make our partners feel good. I am not naive in this regard. I just have a major problem with someone who portrays a desire for something real, something more than a fling and then suddenly turns his back and deciding that either the time or the person isn't right.

It's about barking the word Love so loud it rings in the ears for hours, but not having the balls to take it, embrace it, to follow through on a heart's promise. This is what makes me angry. I will say the word when I mean it, when I feel it in my heart; but when I do, I'll be damned sure that I am ready to follow that path and live with the consequences. But isn't that what love is supposed to be about. Isn't love supposed to be about caring for someone else so much that you put them first? In that way, it is by design not selfish and therefore demands something more than the superficial existence created by doing what you want and seeing who you want all the time. Maybe that is too difficult for most people. But if it is, then maybe most people are incapable of true love.

Everything decision has a consequence. What makes me angry is when a person fails to look at those consequences before putting someone else's heart in jeopardy. Bark all you want. I can handle it. Just have the balls to follow through.