Finding Balance

I am at a point in my life at this moment where things feel somewhat settled and, dare I say it, normal for the first time in a very long time. My life does not seem quite so aimless and my time is filled with meaningful tasks and meaningful, lasting relationships. I feel a confidence in myself that has been lacking for quite some time and I feel like things are flowing smoothly in most respects.

That being said, it seems that I am still having some trouble finding a sense of balance in my life, finding a way to juggle and integrate all the aspects of my life together without neglecting anything or over-attending to one aspect of my being over another. It seems that there are still adjustments that need to be made in the overall scheme of my existence.

Before we get too deep into the philosophy of it all, let's backtrack for a moment. Perhaps we should start with the source of this line of thinking, and work from there. As I sat watching television on the evening of the Thanksgiving holiday with my mother, we began to talk. She pointed out to me that since last Christmas I had been rather distracted at our family functions, participating in conversation only when forced to, not focused on the activities or the people in the center of the current attention, often lost in my own world and apparently disturbed or saddened by what occupied my mind. While it wasn't as bad on this particular Thanksgiving day as it had been on previous holidays, it was still quite noticeable and was becoming a disturbing pattern or behavior.

As I sit and think about the implications of the current observation, I am struck by the truth behind it. Last Christmas was, perhaps, the worst holiday I ever experienced as my grandfather had recently died, I had been dumped on the sidewalk by a man I thought loved me deeply, and I had just come out to my immediate family to a disturbing array of responses. So, of course, I was distracted then, but why was it still so noticeable, why was I so unable to just relax and enjoy the current company and the holiday itself completely and without distraction? It's not like I was purposely trying to be rude to the company or trying not to be a part of the celebration. I just can't pinpoint why exactly that mood, that desire for silence and alone has struck at the most inopportune moments over and over this past year.

I think it has to do with finding that ever elusive balance in life, combining all the aspects that make us whole beings in a seamless way. I have worked so hard this year to rebuild my life, to build the new family that I have here in Lexington, to find myself again. The only problem is, I haven't found a way to combine it all with what used to be me, the family that has been a part of me since birth, that put the blood that flows in my veins in there to give me life and love and heritage. I still have work to do.

What I realize in this process of thinking, this introspection, is that I will never be completely settled, never be perfect and without room to grow. It is the definition of evolution, a constant change, hopefully for the better. There will always be details to tweak, pieces to add and remove, parts to repair. It wouldn't be life if it wasn't that way. I just have to learn to accept that and keep working towards a better me, valuing all the aspects of my life and enjoying every minute that I can on this earth.