.....goodbye for now, see you again soon!
-lostlinus.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Hiatus
Well, after much thought and consideration, I have decided that I am going to take a hiatus from this blog in order to take some time to decide whether to continue in this direction or move into another. Part of me feels that I have exhausted the overall subject of the blog, or at least my interest in dissecting it to its innermost depths at this time. In addition, there are several other aspects of my life that are currently requiring more of my attention, thus, leaving me with less time to write here. I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to visit, read and leave comments. It has been an experience. I hope you have taken something valuable from this as well. If I do not return here, you will see me again soon, perhaps with a new subject and new direction. I wish you all the best.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Past Running Into the Present
The 4th of July is one of those days (in Lexington, anyway) in which gay people seem to come out of the woodwork for a little celebration. People you haven't seen in years come out for the parade and an afternoon cocktail at the downtown bar in droves. One minute you're speaking to an old friend, and then you quickly turn around to see another as a hug comes your way along with another cocktail from you old friend working behind the counter. The event is almost famous amongst the gays of Lexington and widely known as one of he two must-attend events of the year (along with the decadent costumes and tinge of mischief of Halloween night), with even out-of-towners coming back for the festivities.
That being said, I must say that this past month marked my first time in attendance on the birthday of our nation, and I found it to be a little less than the most exciting day of my year. As I've relayed in previous entries, I had a wonderful time walking along with the parade and enjoying the company of some of my dearest friends. After those festivities, I headed indoors for a respite form the heat. I converged with the usual acquaintances near the top of the stairs sipping the usual vodka and cranberry. As I stood commentating on the crowd feeding up and down the stairs with my usual partner in crime best friend, I noticed the back of a gentleman that looked quite familiar. I wasn't 100% sure as he was somewhat muddled in the crowd and wore rather large black sunglasses that clouded the view of his face, but it looked like a gentleman I had been involved with many years before and had subsequently moved away to a far distant state. My heart skipped a beat or two as I moved to get a better angle and a close look. Yes, indeed it was him! I quickly considered the notion of going and speaking to hi. I imagined a big, boisterous hug and shout of glee, but quickly the possibility of him not recognizing me or remembering crept into my brain. I did look completely different than I did all those years ago. Oh, and some of the naive choices I made back then! I quickly nixed that idea. Then I struggled to think of what we would have to talk about or even have in common anymore, and how possibly awkward the exchange might be.
By the time I'd wrestled through all that in my brain, he had disappeared into the crowd, but then I began to notice others around me that I had once had some sort of social or romantic involvement with. Suddenly one was on the dance floor ahead of me, swaying his arms to the beat of the DJ above. Another was down at the other end of the bar engrossed in conversation. They were everywhere. I was trapped! What would if he came up to me? Then a list of things I had done or said to these people came rushing through my consciousness, embarrassing moments of vulnerability, cruelty, or shame. Or all three. Suddenly I was claustrophobic. I found it hard to keep my breath. Think of all those bridges I had burned, those people I had alienated, whether purposefully or incidentally through my actions. I couldn't take anymore!....
After an anxious drive home and a much needed nap that afternoon, it occurred to me that perhaps our pasts never really leave us. Always, it is there in the background, it makes up who we are: each lesson, each event, each romantic disaster. No matter how clean a break we attempt to make or how completely we burn those bridges, that emotional stamp is always there like a shadow, forever. I suppose I already knew this, or perhaps I had chosen to forget. How quickly that knowledge comes back when faced with so many demons at once.
That being said, I must say that this past month marked my first time in attendance on the birthday of our nation, and I found it to be a little less than the most exciting day of my year. As I've relayed in previous entries, I had a wonderful time walking along with the parade and enjoying the company of some of my dearest friends. After those festivities, I headed indoors for a respite form the heat. I converged with the usual acquaintances near the top of the stairs sipping the usual vodka and cranberry. As I stood commentating on the crowd feeding up and down the stairs with my usual partner in crime best friend, I noticed the back of a gentleman that looked quite familiar. I wasn't 100% sure as he was somewhat muddled in the crowd and wore rather large black sunglasses that clouded the view of his face, but it looked like a gentleman I had been involved with many years before and had subsequently moved away to a far distant state. My heart skipped a beat or two as I moved to get a better angle and a close look. Yes, indeed it was him! I quickly considered the notion of going and speaking to hi. I imagined a big, boisterous hug and shout of glee, but quickly the possibility of him not recognizing me or remembering crept into my brain. I did look completely different than I did all those years ago. Oh, and some of the naive choices I made back then! I quickly nixed that idea. Then I struggled to think of what we would have to talk about or even have in common anymore, and how possibly awkward the exchange might be.
By the time I'd wrestled through all that in my brain, he had disappeared into the crowd, but then I began to notice others around me that I had once had some sort of social or romantic involvement with. Suddenly one was on the dance floor ahead of me, swaying his arms to the beat of the DJ above. Another was down at the other end of the bar engrossed in conversation. They were everywhere. I was trapped! What would if he came up to me? Then a list of things I had done or said to these people came rushing through my consciousness, embarrassing moments of vulnerability, cruelty, or shame. Or all three. Suddenly I was claustrophobic. I found it hard to keep my breath. Think of all those bridges I had burned, those people I had alienated, whether purposefully or incidentally through my actions. I couldn't take anymore!....
After an anxious drive home and a much needed nap that afternoon, it occurred to me that perhaps our pasts never really leave us. Always, it is there in the background, it makes up who we are: each lesson, each event, each romantic disaster. No matter how clean a break we attempt to make or how completely we burn those bridges, that emotional stamp is always there like a shadow, forever. I suppose I already knew this, or perhaps I had chosen to forget. How quickly that knowledge comes back when faced with so many demons at once.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Quote of the Week #7
I need someone to love me,
darling I know you can,
don't you put yourself above me,
you just love me like a man.
Diana Krall from -Love Me Like A Man
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Dissed
I was reading through a magazine last night, when I came upon a blurb of random facts and interesting information. Nothing terribly unusual there, at least not until I scanned down about 3/4 of the page to see a website listed there: whywasidissed.com. hmmmm. Let's break that down: Why-was-I-Dissed? Interesting enough. I read on below the address where it was explained that at this particular website, you can have an ex interviewed by the site to discover why he or she broke up with you, and apparently, it's all free!
Of course, my immediate reaction was to go to the site and investigate further into the workings of this apparent miracle-working internet apparatus. Surely it couldn't possibly be that easy! Surely it wasn't possible to avoid all the questioning, self-doubt, puzzlement, and heartache over being dumped and to just get directly down to the bottom of the issue to find out why!
If only I had known about this sooner, I thought as my fingers moved along the mouse to click on the web address. Without a lot of pomp and circumstance, the site laid it out right there in front of me clearly and easily enough. By answering a few simple questions about yourself and providing an e-mail address of the person you want to question, you can be on your way to knowing the truth. There are even forums for the 'dissed' to relay their stories and support each other in their grief. And if you don't get the answers you are looking for or need extra support, you an even consult the advice of their 'dating doctor.'
All so easy, all so available. My fingers were right there ready to put a name in.......and then I stopped. What was I doing? Did I really want to know why someone didn't think enough of me to tell me directly in the first place? Did I really want to know the truth?
Suddenly there were two sides to the coin. At this point in my life, any such inquiry would only be reopening old wounds that I worked hard to heal. And yet, there is still a part of me that wants to ask old lovers what exactly went wrong so as to learn from those mistakes and avoid them in the future. Perhaps the truth is more painful that its worth, though, or clouded by misperceptions. It's impossible to know.
Then I have to beg the question: if I were sent such an inquiry, what exactly would I say went wrong? Why did I diss some of those that I did? On that side of the coin, I don't know that I would want to revisit some of those mistakes!
On one part of the description for the site, it states that everyone deserves respect, and I would have to agree that truth is part of that respect. While I do believe I would be honest if asked, I don't know that I could trust what was said by some of those that let me go. So, still, there would be questions, doubt, and uncertainty. Perhaps it is better just to let it all go than to question and agonize over the endless possibilities. Easier said than done, I know, but still the ideal. Then again, we don't always get what we seek.
So for now, I'm closing the web-page on this one. Don't think I won't go back and visit, though, if and when the next time I am 'dissed' comes along. Only time will tell if I'll put that name in that box and hit the button to 'start investigation.'
Of course, my immediate reaction was to go to the site and investigate further into the workings of this apparent miracle-working internet apparatus. Surely it couldn't possibly be that easy! Surely it wasn't possible to avoid all the questioning, self-doubt, puzzlement, and heartache over being dumped and to just get directly down to the bottom of the issue to find out why!
If only I had known about this sooner, I thought as my fingers moved along the mouse to click on the web address. Without a lot of pomp and circumstance, the site laid it out right there in front of me clearly and easily enough. By answering a few simple questions about yourself and providing an e-mail address of the person you want to question, you can be on your way to knowing the truth. There are even forums for the 'dissed' to relay their stories and support each other in their grief. And if you don't get the answers you are looking for or need extra support, you an even consult the advice of their 'dating doctor.'
All so easy, all so available. My fingers were right there ready to put a name in.......and then I stopped. What was I doing? Did I really want to know why someone didn't think enough of me to tell me directly in the first place? Did I really want to know the truth?
Suddenly there were two sides to the coin. At this point in my life, any such inquiry would only be reopening old wounds that I worked hard to heal. And yet, there is still a part of me that wants to ask old lovers what exactly went wrong so as to learn from those mistakes and avoid them in the future. Perhaps the truth is more painful that its worth, though, or clouded by misperceptions. It's impossible to know.
Then I have to beg the question: if I were sent such an inquiry, what exactly would I say went wrong? Why did I diss some of those that I did? On that side of the coin, I don't know that I would want to revisit some of those mistakes!
On one part of the description for the site, it states that everyone deserves respect, and I would have to agree that truth is part of that respect. While I do believe I would be honest if asked, I don't know that I could trust what was said by some of those that let me go. So, still, there would be questions, doubt, and uncertainty. Perhaps it is better just to let it all go than to question and agonize over the endless possibilities. Easier said than done, I know, but still the ideal. Then again, we don't always get what we seek.
So for now, I'm closing the web-page on this one. Don't think I won't go back and visit, though, if and when the next time I am 'dissed' comes along. Only time will tell if I'll put that name in that box and hit the button to 'start investigation.'
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Marching Down Main Street
I did something a little bit out of my character this past holiday weekend. Rarely would I take an opportunity that would so openly pronounce myself as gay in front of thousands of people; but this past Friday, I did just that.
I met a couple of my friends downtown on the 4th for the holiday celebrations, at which point I was asked whether or not I wanted to walk in the parade with the fairness alliance. Never being afraid to try something new, I said that that sounded alright and waited in line with the hundred or so other parade entries for the festivities to start. I don't think I really knew what I was agreeing to until we started to round the bend towards the beginning of the long line of parade observers on both sides of the street. Then it began to dawn on me how exposed I was suddenly making myself. My palms began to sweat a little and I began looking around with a bit of trepidation. Children were licking pink and yellow popsicles, young men and women held their dogs on leashes, people were waving. All eyes were on us as the speakers from the float blared out the song We Are Family on a continuous loop. My heart leapt for just a second and I nearly had a moment of panic.
I kept moving, though, as the parade progressed, slowly losing my fear and going with the flow of things. "It's too late, now," I thought as moved along. The farther along we got, the more at ease I felt, and it seemed that we got more cheers and applause than boos and dirty looks. Only once did I look to my right to see a young man with his fist held up in a thumb's down pose. Only this once did I see an overt display of disapproval. While there were several in the crowd who simply preferred not to look or stared on to the next parade entry as we passed, only this one man felt it necessary to be so blatant. In a town in the middle of the Midwest, I was surprised and pleased to see at least a tolerance if not a full blown acceptance of what we were there for. For that matter, I surprised myself in allowing myself to participate in such an event so publicly and openly. There were several points along the parade route where people from the crowd actually broached the sidewalk viewing line and actually came to join in the march; and each time, they were accepted with the grateful applause of those of us already in the march.
By the end of the parade, I was a bit overwhelmed with a sense of actually having accomplished something, even if it was only the act of moving one foot in front of the other in the middle of the street. What I was more proud of, though, was the many who took the steps to join us on the route in front of all those around them and those who cheered for us and waved with approval. Just one small step towards further acceptance and a more integrated city full of great people.
I met a couple of my friends downtown on the 4th for the holiday celebrations, at which point I was asked whether or not I wanted to walk in the parade with the fairness alliance. Never being afraid to try something new, I said that that sounded alright and waited in line with the hundred or so other parade entries for the festivities to start. I don't think I really knew what I was agreeing to until we started to round the bend towards the beginning of the long line of parade observers on both sides of the street. Then it began to dawn on me how exposed I was suddenly making myself. My palms began to sweat a little and I began looking around with a bit of trepidation. Children were licking pink and yellow popsicles, young men and women held their dogs on leashes, people were waving. All eyes were on us as the speakers from the float blared out the song We Are Family on a continuous loop. My heart leapt for just a second and I nearly had a moment of panic.
I kept moving, though, as the parade progressed, slowly losing my fear and going with the flow of things. "It's too late, now," I thought as moved along. The farther along we got, the more at ease I felt, and it seemed that we got more cheers and applause than boos and dirty looks. Only once did I look to my right to see a young man with his fist held up in a thumb's down pose. Only this once did I see an overt display of disapproval. While there were several in the crowd who simply preferred not to look or stared on to the next parade entry as we passed, only this one man felt it necessary to be so blatant. In a town in the middle of the Midwest, I was surprised and pleased to see at least a tolerance if not a full blown acceptance of what we were there for. For that matter, I surprised myself in allowing myself to participate in such an event so publicly and openly. There were several points along the parade route where people from the crowd actually broached the sidewalk viewing line and actually came to join in the march; and each time, they were accepted with the grateful applause of those of us already in the march.
By the end of the parade, I was a bit overwhelmed with a sense of actually having accomplished something, even if it was only the act of moving one foot in front of the other in the middle of the street. What I was more proud of, though, was the many who took the steps to join us on the route in front of all those around them and those who cheered for us and waved with approval. Just one small step towards further acceptance and a more integrated city full of great people.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Happy 4th Of July
Just a quick word today to wish everyone a happy holiday. If the rain holds off, I will be going downtown to watch the big parade this afternoon for the first time. Perhaps I will wear swimming shorts in case it does rain. In any case, I hope the day finds everyone well and that you get to wave a sparkler or two into the night air this evening in a little bit of celebration.
Happy 4th of July
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