Going With the Flow

Like every one of us, I am a flawed human being. It is the nature of our existence. It cannot be helped. One of my greatest faults has to do with love and relationships; and, while it will reveal to some extent my incapacities to you, the reader, I'm feeling just open enough today to go ahead and write about it in the vein of trying to relay a lesson, to make a point.

While I am quite patient and understanding in most every other aspect of my life, it seems that I lose all of that restraint and calmness when it comes to relationships. I am not proud of it, I'm working on it; but still, it remains a struggle for me. I've ruined relationships over it, I do admit that. I've expected too much and gotten hurt in the end because of it.

There are those of us that fear being alone. That is not my problem. However, it does seem that when someone I am truly interested in comes along, I tend to over do it at times, wanting to jump in head first and go for it. Now, any logical person knows, this is ridiculous. If you make a commitment in the new phase of a relationship, chances are you will wake up one day and wonder what the hell you have done. I've been there, done that. (I've had it done to me, too, though, don't get me wrong). My problem, in the past, has been that I expect too much of a relationship at times, especially when that sense of euphoria takes over so quickly. I start thinking about the long-run too soon, the life together, the 'marriage,' the future. I suppose that it is alright to fantasize about those things to an extent, but to expect them and to count on them generally only leads to the eventual disappointment of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I'm guilty of it, I admit that. Sometimes it's hard, though, when you feel yourself falling in love and wanting to just go for it, to stop yourself and make yourself do it right, to truly get to know the guy and try to make it a lasting relationship.

It's a struggle I deal with everyday, balancing that want to just let myself go and live in this bubble of love and romance (which is impossible and doesn't really exist, I know) and wanting to remain calm and independent, moving slowly with love and being patient enough to let it grow naturally.

For a while, I was writing quotes in my daily planner, one a week or so. One was 'Go with the flow." It's what we've got to do. Love cannot be forced or fabricated. It will happen when and if it is supposed to, and if it is meant to last, then really you have all the time in the world to enjoy it. I've just got to learn to be a little more patient.

Act Two (The Play's the Thing)

Returning to our theatre adventure in Louisville, I thought today we would discuss a very interesting concept brought up by the second act of the play I recently attended.

As the story progresses and act two opens, we find that the state of the world has suddenly gone awry; and no one seems to know why. Half the city seems to have simply disappeared, leaving our characters lost and confused, and all just one day before the big wedding of the lovely daughter character is to take place.

Suddenly, our fashion designer lead enters the stage and quite matter-of-factly states that he has called all of his friends, who in turn have called all their friends, who have all decided that all the gay people of the world should simply disappear for a day and take a vacation in protest to the proposed amendment on the definition of marriage. Suddenly lawyers, doctors, accountants, dress designers, hair dressers, nurses, artist, and even our lovely maid have simply vanished.

What a novel concept. What would happen if every gay person simply disappeared for a while? Perhaps our world would suddenly become crippled. Or at least less fashionable. And how many of those people would you have never suspected of being of certain sexual persuasion when it happened? Perhaps a next-door neighbor, the cashier at the grocery store? Your favorite movie star. The vice-mayor? Maybe your own brother or sister, father or mother. I'm sure there would be at least one surprise.

I think that what it would prove (besides that you can't tell just by looking most of the time) is that we are all interdependent on each other in this world, regardless of our sexual orientation (or age or race or anything else for that matter). As independent as we like to think we are, we wouldn't make it in the world without each other. Our food, our money, our friends, our homes. All of it depends in some way or part on someone else in this world. So what's the point in hating or discriminating. We need each other no matter what. So get over it, and enjoy your life instead of filling it with hate. There are enough problems in the world.

The Best Fit

I sit at a bar in a little bistro in downtown Louisville after a lovely dinner of pasta , flourless chocolate cake, and grey goose vodka and cranberry cocktails. I am just mentally lubricated enough to talk candidly about relationship and my past mistakes in love.

"I've made many mistake," I say between sips through a pair of cocktail straws. "But aren't they all mistakes until you find the right one?" to which I receive a chuckle from my companions.

Then, a little more seriously, one of my companions begins to describe a book he has read in regard to finding the right person to share your life with. Apparently, it included an exercise in which you write down all the things you are looking for in a mate, the qualities you wish them to possess. Basically, a guide for yourself to focus your search. Upon further discussion, we decide that no matter how many items are on your list, no one person would likely fulfill each and every desire. My dear companion then voiced his conclusion that your ultimate mate choice be the man who possesses the greatest number of those qualities on your list, the one who best fits even if not every quality is present.

I suppose I was a little too well lubricated at that point to really think about the implications of the statement, or perhaps it was the fact that others soon joined us and we were off to our next adventure for the evening. Either way, I really didn't digest the idea until later that week.

I agree with the idea, but only to a point. I whole-heartedly agree that no one is perfect and that no one is going completely fit into any predetermined mold. I also agree that you have to choose the mate that most closely fits what you desire in a partner. However, it seems to me that when you start looking at relationships in this way, there begins to be a very fine line between choosing the right partner and simply settling.

I don't know exactly where that line begins and where it ends. There are so many variables involved in finding a life partner that it seems a wonder that anyone finds a true mate at all sometimes; but surely you wouldn't want to settle for something that will not truly make you happy.

Relationship decisions can be difficult. Even if you know the love is there and it is true, it is often still very difficult if not impossible to know if we are making the right decisions. Sometimes that line is so fine that we could fall either way like a leaf from a tree in a slight breeze. There is definitely a difference, though, between choosing someone for the right reasons and just settling so as not to be alone. We just have to be careful and hope that we don't end up on the wrong side of the fence.

The Play's the Thing- Act One

I spent a few days out of town this past weekend, this time in Louisville, Kentucky. I had a wonderful dinner with friends, saw a play put on by the local gay community (part of series they produce every year), followed by a night on the town and a wonderful brunch the next morning. I enjoyed the experience very much, and would recommend that everyone make an attempt to support the local arts, whether it be specifically for the gay community or the public in general.

I am a diligent observer of this world, always taking stock of everything around me. Louisville provided several conversations and experiences that fueled entry ideas for this very blog; therefore, for the next couple weeks or so, we'll focus on those. I suppose it would be fitting to start with the play itself, as it provided a good topic of discussion all on its own.

The play was entitled 'Regrets Only', and we were fortunate enough to enjoy the play in the company's new home in downtown Louisville. The story began as a famous gay fashion designer returns to New York to visit friends after losing his long-time lover. His friends include his long-time girlfriend, her husband, their child, and the hilariously funny maid. The story looks back on their lives, examines the ideas of love and relationships (both straight and gay), and questions the idea of gay marriage when the lawyer husband and his daughter are asked to research a constitutional amendment defining marriage (between a man and a woman) for the president. Of course, each character has his or her opinion on the subject, and the matter is discussed from every perspective.

The father and daughter argued that gay couples were not in fact 'married' and never would be; the designer, of course, had the perspective of being in such a relationship for years; and the mother was somewhere in the middle. This caused me to question myself, to decide where I stand on the issue, and to think about what I think of marriage in general. Really, it shouldn't matter who you choose as a mate. If you devote yourself and make a commitment to another person, then, frankly, I don't think it should matter the gender of that person in allowing them to marry. It should be a basic right like anything else.

I am speaking to a friend as I write this, and he says that he will never walk down the aisle with another man. He is gay himself, and states that he would gladly spend his life with another man (in fact share children with another man), but agrees with the majority of the people in this state that legal marriage should be between a man and a woman only. In fact, he states that he voted against gay marriage in the 2004 election, proving that even among gay men, there is not single voice on the subject.

In the large scheme of things, however; I tend to look at marriage in a more conceptual way. Ideally, we shouldn't labels or the approval of a human governmental body to determine who and when we can love and what defines such relationships and what rules should apply to such relationships. Ideally, love should be a more organic form of emotion, and should evolve naturally, not governed by someone else's concept of what it should be.

The romantic side of me would like to wear a ring someday, create a family, live a traditional life. But maybe romance is more about being swept away by the emotion, losing yourself in love, feeling so connected to someone that you never want to lose them. If that's the case, then tradition and rings and everything else shouldn't matter. I try to look at life these days as an adventure, open to whatever will come my way, not worried about creating a certain kind of life for myself. If you expect thing to happen a certain way (especially marriage), then you can only be disappointed when it doesn't turn out exactly the way you thought it would. I prefer to think that the kind of life I'm supposed to lead and the kind of relationship I am supposed to have will happen when it's supposed to the way it is supposed to in the big scheme of things. The point being to enjoy the life I am given and to take what I get as a blessing. When I love someone, I don't think it is neccessary to define that with the word 'marriage.' I love them with the word or without it, and I would hope that he loves me back in the same way.

So, in general, I would have to say that I reject the notion of having to be defined by the institution of marriage; but, if anyone else feels the need for such a label, they should be entitled to it.

Act Two of the play brought on another very interesting idea, which we will discuss in a later entry. Look for 'Act Two.'

Acting Your Age

There seems to be an inordinately large number of gay men, or rather, older men, who seem to be in denial about their age. Or maybe there is just an inordinately large number that have crossed my path as of late. It seems to be the ones that like younger men that are most often lost in this time-warped illusion. I guess it’s better than being lost in the decade of your prime, never updating your wardrobe from 1985 (or whatever year you last felt best); but, face it, if your 50, you don’t look good dressing like a 22 year old.

In my own experience, it seems that when such a stylistic offense occurs, it is either because he is trying to attract a younger man or his mental maturity never progressed past whatever age he is trying to dilute himself into believing he is. As far as the first possibility goes, I must say that as a young man, I did in fact date several older men. However, I was never attracted to an older man that looked like he walked out of an A&F closet. They were always men who looked and acted like the mature men they were. That’s why I was attracted to them in the first place, they weren’t flighty little queens. And if I saw a man of a certain age in Old Navy flip-flops and Hollister t-shirt, I don’t think I’d look twice, except to awe at the pure insanity of it. A man looks best when he accepts who he is (and what age he is) and acts that way. It exudes a maturity level worthy of a second or third serious look, at least for me.

As far as the second possibility is concerned, well….grow up. I guess if you want to run around like your still in your twenties (or maybe even your teens), going to the tanning bed, buffing your muscles at the gym, drinking every night, flopping your love handles around on the dance floor like you can keep a beat (sorry, you can’t), then more power to you. Just don’t expect anything more than exactly that out of life. Don’t be surprised when your current twink grows past it and moves on.

It’s really about accepting yourself and being comfortable with who you are. There was a man who fancied me recently. I met him at a cocktail party. He seemed nice enough until I saw him out at one of the clubs. His hair had changed. I later found out he had what my friends and I later referred to as a ‘triple fake threat.’ He had a hair piece on, a girdle to suck in the fat, and apparently some sort of device in his pants made to feel like a rather large penis. No, I didn’t discover that last one personally, but I heard it on good authority. I don’t think I have to tell you how absolutely absurd the whole idea is. I would just really like to have seen the look on the guy’s face when they are taking off their clothes and he discovered the difference between the illusion and reality. Wouldn’t you have to be pretty drunk? At least it’s good for a chuckle.

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths people will go to.