Happy Holidays

It has been a little hectic in my little circle of a world these past few weeks what with the usual family drama that always seems to surround my holiday experience and the unusually large amount of traveling I've had to do recently. Nonetheless, I wanted to stop for a minute and wish everyone a wonderful holiday season. For some, it can be a sad time, melancholy seems to abound; for others, a time for joy and endless parties; for still others, a time of reflection.

Wherever you are at in your life this year, try to take a moment to enjoy what you have, count your blessings, and give thanks for all that the year has brought you.

I wish you all the best. Happy Holidays!

My Deepest Sympathies and Love

When you are not directly involved, there is something about the grieving process that leaves you feeling, well, rather useless. You want to be of some use, some support, say the right words, provide some sort of peace; and, yet, there is nothing you can do that quite feels adequate. You don't feel like you are helping at all.

One of my dearest friend's father passed away this past week; and this is how I feel, completely useless. I never met the man personally, but still there is a sense of loss, even if only peripherally. I have been through the grieving process more times than I care to count. I know the drill. I know all too well the chaotic mix of sadness, duty, unfamiliar distance relatives, cards, flowers, strangers patting your shoulder expressing their sorrow and asking if you are alright. I have found no words that truly comfort. There is nothing anyone can do to really ease the pain, the sadness, the tears. Thus, this feeling of uselessness.

How do you balance supporting your friends while still allowing for personal space and necessary personal grieving time? I don't think there really is a formula here. Death is and always will be a touchy subject, and because the depth and time for grieving is such an individual response, one person's boundaries are not going to be that same as the next. Some people need to talk about it, others need silence. It pains me so much now, I think, because I know the process, I know what my friends are going to be facing from now until the grieving is over, if it ever really is. It hurts to watch anyone go through it.

The only thing we can really do is be there, be present, listen. There is no such thing as a hero in these sorts of situations. We are not going to magically lift anyone's spirits or make anyone forget the immediate, often devastatingly painful situation. The important thing is to remember the good times, honor the memories, and be there when a shoulder, open ear, or Kleenex is needed, when it is asked for and not when you think it should be given. The important thing to know is that we still have each other, that our love for each other is strong and will get us through to the next day. All we can really do is keep on living, keep on supporting each other, growing as the the families we have created.

For me, in the grieving process, it was only this that brought me comfort, to know that I was not alone in my grief, that there were people to stand by me and that would help me with whatever I asked them to do. It was not that I needed them to do anything, just knowing they were there was enough.

If I knew a funny story to tell about him, I would, something to remember him by. While I never saw him in the flesh or have any personal memories, what I do recall are conversations of childhood, memories of chocolate milk and candy bars brought home from work as bedtime snacks, country music concerts, and trips to the lake in the boat. This is how I will remember him, even if it is only an imagined picture in my head. This is how I will remember a life that was held so dear by those so close to me, if not by me directly.

So, to chocolate milk and candy bars, and an irreplaceable, wonderful father.

In memoriam

AG 1953-2007.

-to ADG and AN, my deepest sympathies and love.

Words To Live By

One of my favorite calendars is one that I bought last winter at a little alternative book store on the campus of the major university here in town. It is black and white, and each month offers a quote of some kind. I wouldn't put it in the same class as one of those inspirational items with vast pictures of landscapes and what not, though. This one is more food for thought.

I was turning the pages to December the other day (a few weeks late, I know), and I came upon the best quote I've yet come across. There were several really great points in a rather long entry for the month, but one particular line struck me quite deeply:

Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

Words to live by. It is my new motto.

(quote attributed to Christian D. Larson).

Please Stop Crying!

I just had a quick note today. I was watching Project Runway the other day, which I usually enjoy thoroughly. However, there is one certain aspect of the show this season that has annoyed me enough to feel the need to voice my opinion here. I really, really wish Ricky would stop crying every time they do the personal interview segments. I mean, I know that it's a life-changing experience, that it's great to be there, and all that jazz; but is every little event worthy of shedding tears over? I mean, really, you're cute, love the hat, if I saw ya on the street, I'd probably look twice, but please, please, just stop crying so much!

Trying to Enjoy the Fruits of My Labor

Why is that we so often make life more difficult than it has to be? We create our own little worlds of drama and worry inside our own heads until it nearly drives us crazy with grief and anxiety. Is it really that difficult to just enjoy what we have, the things we've earned and the people that care about us without concerning ourselves with what we don't have or what those that don't care to be part of our lives?

I laid in my bed last evening in one of those states of unrest, knowing that I needed to fall asleep to rest for an early work day the next morning, but being unable to do so. I grabbed my i-pod laying next to me as always, my trusty companion occupying the empty space where a human companion did not. I am in one of those blue moods brought on by my own insecurities, my own worry and preoccupation with the past and things I cannot change, remembering less joyful times and the heartache of years past. My fingers turned the dial of the small black box in my palm to my ever-present muse of sadness, Lucinda Williams. Several months had passed since had touched on her name in the screen; but instantly, after seeing it, I knew what I wanted to hear.

I've been trying to enjoy all the fruits of my labor...she belts out, ever so heartfelt. She knows the complication of it, the desire to enjoy what we have, what we have toiled over and worked so hard for, to enjoy some small space of peace and contentment; but also how tainted it is by the incompleteness of our hearts, the constant unrest, the reality of imperfect and heart-broken lives. How easy it is to wallow in the sadness, to let the depression and defeat seep in and take over instead of allowing ourselves the joy of our accomplishment, to allow new love. The real courage comes in not allowing ourselves to fall into the trap, to not allow anyone else to have the power to control our emotions, to pull us down into the darkest parts of our hearts and minds.

The saddest part is that we do most of the damage to ourselves, trying to control the perception others have of us, people who should have no consequence on our sense of self-worth, staying in emotionally or physically draining relationships instead of having enough faith in our own worth to move on.

If we only allowed ourselves to be happy, if only we opened the velvet curtains, wouldn't life be so much simpler?

On Day Must End For Another to Begin

It's Just A Little Sting, But It Hurts Nonetheless

No matter how over someone you are, no matter how long it's been since you've even thought about him, no matter how deep you are into a new relationship, it still stings a little when you find out one of your exes is seeing someone else.

It's funny all the nonsensical things we say when we end a relationship. I wish you the best, I see great things in your future, I hope you find someone to be happy with. If only we actually meant what we said. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he just said, "I'm over it, your not what I want, bye," and just walked out the door without another word. Maybe it's the fear of coming off as an asshole, or just the cowardice of facing the truth, but few of us have the courage to do it that way. So often it strolls along in an up and down roller coaster of confusion and betrayal until he finally ends it, or he finds someone else. Yeah it's gonna hurt, but personally I'd rather just pull the bandaid off all at once. Of course, it's different if you're deep into a relationship, but if you've only been dating a short time, just cut it off at the root, move on.

I might have said myself to a boyfriend or two that I wished him the best, that I hoped he found happiness, but frankly I don't think I did at the time. In trying to be mature, trying to move on, trying to be an adult, I have honestly made a sincere effort to wish happiness for all my past loves, boyfriends, and flings. But deep down there is an evil part of me that just wants to see some of them live the rest of their lives in misery, unhappy and alone as retribution for the heartache and pain they left behind. As wrong as that may be, I can't deny that it is down there somewhere. And today, it has reared it's ugly head once again as I somehow came into the knowledge today that not one, but two of my previous love interests are off into new worlds of romance. While I want to be happy for them as I have honestly moved on and am once again happy with my life, it still stings a little to know.

The thought will pass, I know. I have enough, almost too much, to occupy my time these days. There is no use in dwelling on the past. I could really use a photograph to burn right now, though, or a voodoo doll to stick a pin into, or a punching bag.....

We Do What We Want

Ever invite him to go out to dinner with you and your friends, to which he says 'sounds cool,' but then doesn't show up?

Ever make lunch plans with a friend that end up not actually happening?

Ever have a lover say he wants to go away on a trip together, but then never quite getting around to making the plans?

Ever try to include someone from work in a social outing but never actually seeing them out or making the effort to actually show up?

Ever have a man tell you he loves you, but never take that step further into commitment, often even pulling farther away after he's said it?

One of my dearest cousins once said in a conversation of which I cannot recall the subject, simply that "people do what they want." It's funny how such simple words can hold and evoke so much meaning and understanding. It explains every one of the scenarios listed above, it explains most of our actions as human beings. Behind our feeble excuses: not feeling well, forgetting, or getting wrapped up in something else, it all boils down to this one simple phrase.

Why didn't Julie show up for the party? Frankly she would rather lie in bed and vegetate.

Why didn't Mickey go to work yesterday? He didn't feel like it.

Why doesn't Ann help her elderly mother like her sister does? She has better thing to do.

Why did Brandon leave Jim for Charlie? Charlie was better in bed.

Why didn't Henry answer or call Rod back? He was out with his friends and let it slip his mind.

Why did Joe say he loved Robert, but then go off without him to get drunk on Saturday and not reappear until Tuesday? On the first count, it felt like what he was supposed to say, and on the second, it's what he wanted to do.

We can't make anyone love us, we can't make anyone want to be with us, we can't make anyone do anything they don't really want to do. But where is the line drawn between independence and selfishness? Is there any sense of loyalty or obligation anymore? Does anyone go out of their way to help other people anymore?

If we all do what we want when we want to all the time, then how are we even really connected as human beings? Aren't we here on this earth together for some purpose, in some capacity to affect and assist in the lives of others? The connections and the relationships we build are, by design, a matter of compromise, a matter of melding two ideas, two lives together. If we only ever do what we want, then how is that possible? How is it possible to have any kind of meaningful relationship? Any kind of meaningful life?

Waning Attraction

"My husband and I have a strange relationship," she said. "We have three kids, and we've been together about that many times. I'm probably exaggerating, but you get the idea. Seriously, we have sex twice a year or so, and I have to initiate it."

"Why, what's the problem," I ask, patiently listening.

"Apparently I'm too heavy," (and to this I give a gasped surprise as the woman in front of me may be a few pounds over a size 9, but by no means obese or in any way unattractive because of her current weight). "I am heavier than when we got married, but I have three kids..."

As my conversation with one of my co-workers continued, a lot of thoughts went through my head. We could go one of two ways with this, the first being the idea of losing your attraction to your partner, the other being a relationship with little or no sexual activity involved. Let's start with the first one today.

I once had a relationship myself in which the sexual part of the relationship began to wain after a while. When I pressed the issue, I was often told that I had gained too much weight. I had in fact gained about 30 pounds since our relationship had started, but still 220 pounds on a 6'1" frame is hardly obese. Yes I was overweight, but why did he have to throw it in my face? And in fact, it was the sex that started to dissipate before the weight gain. I often think that I had started to substitute chocolate chip cookies for the sex that wasn't there any more.

If it wasn't actually the weight gain that started the problem, though, then what was the problem? Was there a loss of attraction on the part of one or both of us? Was the physical part of our relationship waning and disappearing? And if the attraction does disappear, what can be done about it?

My co-worker had decided long ago to stay married to her husband despite their problems in the bedroom; but it often seems that most people don't stick around to wait it out or try to fix the problem, especially gay men. Often as soon as that spark wilts even the slightest bit, he's gone to the next man that catches his eye, off to the next bedroom and the next good lay.

Yes, sex is an important part of the relationship, but there is also a lot of other things that make a partnership fulfilling. If you care enough about each other then surely you would try to work on the problem rather than just walking away without even trying.

In the relationship I was referring to earlier, there were a lot of other issues that build up that not only affected our sex life but also ate away at many aspects of our relationship to the point that it was not healthy for us to be together anymore, but at least I did try to address and correct the problems (although unsuccessfully). If I had just walked away, I would probably always have that question in my mind as to whether it could have worked or not. As it stands, I know there was no way it could.

And on a final note, I must say that flat out telling your partner he or she is unattractive, whether from gaining weight or otherwise, is rarely productive. If you care about your partner, then work on the problem together. One of the most basic needs that most of us have as humans in the need to feel desired, and if you tell us you don't want us, it's a pretty big blow. If the relationship needs to end, that's one thing; and if the fire really is gone, then by all means look for a way to relight it, but at least be civil about it.

Worrying for Nothing

Whether it’s the uncertainty of a new love, the instability of a blossoming romance, or our own insecurities, it is often difficult not to think the worst or want to give up when even the slightest problem or misunderstanding arises. I’ve seen it a hundred times; I’ve been guilty of it myself. He doesn’t return our call right away or goes M.I.A. for a few days and we think the worst, imagine him with someone else or assume he’s lost interest. We call our friends, analyze his last few text messages, go over it in our heads a hundred times. We do a little boy-bashing; wonder ‘why?’ wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. We do it all except wait patiently or ask him directly what’s going on. If we just did that there really wouldn’t be a problem. But instead, we agonize over it and prepare ourselves for the worst, start thinking about moving on or what our other current options are in the romance realm.

Then he finally calls or our doorbells ring with him at the door. Everything is alright again, it was just a misunderstanding. In fact, it had nothing to do with us at all. We’re back on cloud nine. We were bad-mouthing and full of doubt for nothing. We’re happy and alright, at least until it happens again and the roller-coaster starts anew.

Is it worth it, though? Is the constant worry and up and down what a relationship is supposed to be about? In the beginning, when you’re getting to know each other, it is a necessary evil. You can’t know for sure what’s going on or if he’s telling the truth until you’ve had a chance to establish trust. You just have to wait it out until that point is reached. It takes a little bit of a faith, but for some of us, even that little bit is difficult to muster as our hearts are riddled with the bullet holes and shrapnel of past heartbreak. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible, it may just take a little longer. The beginning of a relationship is about that back and forth, that wonder and uncertainty, testing each other and establishing limits and boundaries until the relationship matures and you grow together as a unit.

Having said that, you would think that the issue here is trust. To some extent it is; but there is an underlying problem that we are ignoring here if we leave it at that. When we subject ourselves to this roller-coaster of doubt and uncertainty (and yes, they are most often self-imposed), when we agonize over his apparent disregard for our presence, we often do so in response to our own insecurities. We worry that we are not go enough, that we do not hold enough interest for him to want to be with us. We doubt our own value and forget that it’s supposed to go both ways, that he has to trust us and want us just as much as we do him. We go on the defense, trying to hold on and hold his interest. But if we do it for too long it becomes a game, and the relationship becomes nothing more than a contest, a pointless exercise in control and an inaccurate measure of self-worth. And in that case, it is no longer a relationship at all.

While we may have moments of doubt and wonder about our partners once in a while as we grow with them and relationships development, it is important to remember that there are always going to be times when he has to do things on his own, and yes he may not return a call right away or be around every day when and where you want him to be. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. You’ve just got to have a little bit of faith, and enough self-esteem to know that it probably has nothing to do with you and that everything will work out fine. And if it doesn’t, then you’ll move on just as strong as you were before it all started.