Not Knowing is Worse than Bad News

I was sitting with one of my closest friends last evening, who had just recently (well sort of) broken up with a fellow he had been seeing for the past four months or so. Being as supportive as possible, I was trying to convince him that contacting the man in question any further was pointless, even if it was only to berate him for his inconsideration. Of course, he was having none of that.

The problem is that his last contact with the man was a simple text message on his telephone asking him to sit down with him to discuss where they were going and if they were going to continue to pursue a possible relationship. At the end of the message, he stated that if they did not sit down and discuss it, then he was done with the whole thing. Of course, there was no response to that and they never met to discuss anything. Unfortunately, it reflected a pattern of tattered communication.

As our discussion furthered, it became clear that the reason he wanted to contact him again, besides wanting to vent his anger in the appropriate direction, was to invoke some response from the man in order to know how exactly he felt about the situation. Arguing with the man, having a knock-down, drag-out fight, getting some sort (any sort) of anger or direct rejection straight out of the man's mouth would be more satisfying than the silence he was getting.

I hate to say I empathize with the situation, but I do (see Perhaps I am not Psychotic). I've been in essentially the same situation, and it is one of the hardest things in the world to just let it go and move on without knowing what exactly is going through his head. And as much as I can tell him not to worry about it, to just let it go, I know it really won't do any good or make him feel any better about the situation. He's just got to get through it on his own time. Not knowing exactly how the other guy feels is worse than the bad news of knowing that he's just not into you anymore because without that 'for sure' statement, your brain continually wraps around the other possibilities until your head is spinning with uncertainty.

The same situation occurs with anything that doesn't quite make sense to us, an untimely death, the sudden withdrawal of a close friend and disappearance from our lives, even the loss of a job or general misfortune. The unexplained leaves our brains reeling, ever trying to find an answer.

The sad thing about the situation, especially when it comes to romance, is that we often do know the reason but refuse to let ourselves see it. The fact that he just doesn't care enough even to tell you that he doesn't want you anymore is one of the worst facts to face, especially when you care so much.