A Year in Review

As our month long poll reviewing the past your in love has closed, I’m glad to see that most of us seem to fall somewhere in the middle on the emotional spectrum. I’m sad to see that someone found 2007 to be the loneliest year of their life (there is always hope, trust me, I know from experience); but I dare say that we’ve all been there at some point in our lives.

Where did my past year in love fall in the spectrum? Well, as with everything in my life, there is a complicated answer to that question. If things had continued the way they started last January, it would have most certainly been the loneliest year of my life. Thankfully, they did not. After a bitter breakup that December followed by several months of wallowing self-hatred and self-imposed complete chastity, I found myself in Seattle, where my mojo was finally reawakened, if not completely, at least to start.

It was in Seattle that I met someone who helped renew my faith in the idea that there were good men out there still, men who told the truth and were capable of just being themselves without a lot of grandstanding or hiding behind false portrayals of themselves. The idea that I was capable of love again began to enter my brain.

Before my week there, I had gone on a series of dates with a variety of men that had produced not a single spark of romance and had left me with a rather bitter taste in my mouth about the state of gay romance in general (go figure). I mean, how many guys did I have to meet to get to one with a little substance that was also capable of making my heart pitter-patter, even if only a little? Perhaps it was my own warped state of mind at the time that stunted any possibility of romance for me, but I’d prefer to think it was them. It just wasn’t my time, and the stack of near misses was beginning to become overwhelming.

Anyway, getting back to Seattle. When I went on that trip, I desperately needed a change in scenery and a new perspective. Thankfully, that is exactly what I got. By some miraculous stroke of luck, I came upon a man who was willing to show me around town who also happened to be a decent guy. I realize I could have been walking straight into a very dangerous situation being in a strange city by myself and trusting a virtual stranger. I’m lucky he wasn’t a west coast gay serial rapist/murderer; but I took the chance and it paid off. It was one of those moments in which you are so out of your normal character that you are able to see things in a new way. He even took me to the airport the morning I left and kissed me goodbye right there in front of everyone. It was just like being in a big gay romance movie. He was my Seattle boyfriend, if only for the moment.

Of course, the movie feeling never lasts, and I was warped back to reality once I returned to Kentucky. I had unfinished business to attend to with not just one, but two of my exes (I’ll spare you the details), which ultimately forced me to find alternative living arrangements and lead to the purchase of my first home of my own. While that should have been a happy time, it did not feel like the accomplishment it should have as it was muddled in with the bitter (and when I say bitter, I mean nasty bitter to the point that I was embarrassed by the things that came out of my mouth at times. At some points I was even physically ill over the whole situation) remnants of one long-term relationship and one ridiculous half-second moment of insanity with a male nurse.

I had a few more dates with a few more unremarkable men that failed to hold my interest, which led me at that point to sort of let my romantic life slide for a while. I ended a couple of half-hearted casual dating situations to focus on my friends and the reconstruction of my suddenly shambled existence. My lowest point occurred when I allowed a man I had recently begun a series of conversations with over an internet dating service to come by my home to meet me in person. Falling just short of throwing myself at him in a lame attempt to gather some sort (any sort) of physical affection, I realized I had become desperate; and that was not who I was. It was time to stop.

So entered this very blog into my life back in late June of this year. I never thought I’d be comfortable exposing myself as directly as I have here, but it has been more therapeutic to me than I ever imagined. And, besides that, I find that in order to truly relate to something, especially in matters of romance and emotion, it has to be real, honest, and from the heart, regardless of how raw it comes out. Instead of making me vulnerable, the exposure of myself has actually made me stronger in that I am forced to own the truth. I feel more obligated and responsible to follow a better path because if I screw up, I have to own up to it here in front of all of you.

When I started writing, I was at an emotional and romantic low point for the second time this year; but there was a difference this time. This time I was able to accept the idea that I was alone and that if no one came along, I’d still be alright. I could still make it on my own; and besides that, I had an incredible network of friends to help me along. In fact, I was making it on my own and I was doing alright, one day at a time. I had let everything go and accepted the fact that I had to start with a clean slate in every aspect of my life.

Then fall came. Sort of by accident, I met a man who has forced me to rethink my idea of what a relationship is and can be. Without even trying, he has managed to calm my very restless and uneasy, often haunted heart and mind. Ever so slowly and patiently we have begun to build a relationship, doing our best to create a well-rounded one, one with substance and staying power. It is an adventure that, so far, had allowed me to be myself completely, in which I haven’t lost myself in the process of it. We have become part of each other’s lives without sacrificing any part of ourselves; and, everyday, we grow stronger together, one step at a time. For this, I am eternally grateful.

And so I end 2007 in a complete 180 degree turn from the way I began. It was a lonely year at times, yes, ecstatically joyful at others; but overall a very enlightening one. It was a year of bitter endings, but also new beginnings and new loves. A big gay roller-coaster ride full of surprise up and downs. What can I say? Nothing in my life has ever been anything if not complicated. I could use a little more stability in 2008, but only time will tell if that is possible. Either way, let the adventure begin…

Happy New Year!

[It was the year of the D’s, you guys brought me back from the love and romance graveyard. I can’t thank you enough. Here’s to you DH and DJ].