The Day Green Became a New Beginning

It is unfortunate that St. Patrick's Day had to occur on a Monday this year and, on top of that, after a long string a very hard days at work at my day job that has left me too tired to properly celebrate with green beer or, really, alcohol of any kind. It is a far cry from last year, when the holiday brought on the most drunken state I have experienced since college (or maybe ever). Besides the vomiting in a friend's yard at the end of the night; clogging the sink of the bathroom at the bar we were at with a deadly mixture of chocolate fondue, cranberry juice, and vodka (I couldn't help that the toilet was occupied); and the terrible headache the next day over eggs and fried potatoes at Bob Evans, the night turned out to be rather momentous.

The night began at a cocktail party, a pre-drinking event that saw the coming and going of several people that I did not know and have yet to see since, spare 3 or 4 of them. Following, we were off to a little bar downtown where we dined on watermelon martinis and a delicious mixture of fruit, marshmallows, bread, and brownies, all decadently dipped in chocolate fondue. It was my first dip into the social world of gay men and their friends, at least in Lexington. It was something I had never really even thought about. Before this, I had chosen my mate and spend my time with him and the domestic world of keeping house and home. Never did it even occur to me that there was an active nightlife, and social network of friends and acquaintances that I could actively participate in and enjoy. Of course, I had been to bars before, been out drinking more times than I cared to count; but, never before had I been in the 'in crowd' been part of what was making the night exciting. Always before it had been more of a spectator sport. I had always been the one in the corner not quite feeling like I belonged. With a stick of strawberries and chocolate in one hand and a martini in the other, I was suddenly in the middle of it all. Of course, I exaggerate in attributing this entire revelation to one night of socializing. It had occurred over several months, this change, but I did suddenly seem to become aware of it right then.

I think perhaps the food curved my blood alcohol content at that point, and that caused my biggest mistake of the evening. When we made our way down to the local primary gay establishment, we walked in, and it seemed that I knew at least fifty percent of the people in the bar. Every turn I made was a friendly hello or hug, or big gay greeting. I was a little disturbed by this fact. Perhaps I had been spending too much time here. Nonetheless, I made my up the stairs to the bar next to the dance floor where I knew one of the bartenders. I ordered a vodka and cranberry and a straight shot of vodka to boost my buzz. The problem with that was that the shot he gave me was probably more like three shots in one. I wasn't paying close enough attention to it, though, and drank the whole thing in one gulp.......Never again.

It would seem that after I threw up the first time in the downstairs bathroom, I was spotted by one of my best girlfriends. Apparently I knew more people in the bar than I thought. And at this point, I wasn't out to but a handful of my straight friends. Suddenly I was outed and my two worlds were colliding. It didn't really occur to me to think of those implications at that moment, I was in a daze and drunkenly happy; but suddenly there was no more hiding. By the end of the night, every one of my friends in the city had been told through telephone calls and text messages. After that, everything is a blur. I was found upstairs in a stupor by my friends who had promised not to leave me there, and we were off to warm beds and swirling ceilings.

Never again have I allowed myself to be that inebriated, it is not something I am in the habit of; but I wouldn't take back that night for anything. It was the first night in months, maybe even years, that I was able to let go and enjoy what was going on around me. I was coming out of deep dark depression and a mess of bad relationships and mistakes. I was trying desperately to find a way to make a mark for myself and to be myself without withholding anything from my friends. Somehow, that night, it was done for me, and my friendships have grown ever deeper since then. I am more comfortable with myself and with enjoying the company of all my friends, gay and straight. I am more myself, and that night was perhaps an important beginning to realizing that. I wouldn't take it back for anything.

Of course, a year later, I am sitting at home writing about last year. Not a drop of alcohol this St. Patrick's Day. I wouldn't trade that, either, though. I've made it pretty far in a much better direction this past year. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!