Friendship Without Benefits

I have a wide variety of friends: gay, straight, male, and female. I have several close friends that are fellow gay men, which shouldn't strike anyone as odd; but it seems that some people carry the notion that these relationships could not possibly be purely platonic. My closest friend is a gay man, and I am often asked, "have you guys ever done anything?" or, "surely you guys have fooled around." The truth is, we have not, and never will 'fool around,' nor will I with the majority of my other friends who happen to be male and gay. The funny thing about it, though, is that I would sort of expect (but not excuse) that sort of question from a straight person; but I get the question a lot from gay acquaintances and friends, who, frankly, should know better.

The question may be innocent enough, no harm intended. It may simply be a curiosity, but I challenge you to consider the implications of such a question the next time it occurs to you to ask. Just because we happen to be men, and some of us happen to like sex (some of us too much if you ask me), doesn't mean that we have to sleep with every gay man we know. That's absurd. I personally don't find every gay man I meet immediately attractive simply because of his sexual orientation. I would hope that our brains are a little more advanced than that. Surely straight men aren't attracted to anything and everything with breasts and a vaginal opening. So why would anyone assume that a gay man would stick it in (or get stuck by) anything with a rocket in his pocket (sorry, bad euphemism. Good for a little laugh, though).

I can't say I didn't have the same notion of gay men when I was young. As a child and teenager, the simple idea of finding someone like me, someone else who liked men, would sometimes turn me on. I don't think it was a sexual attraction to those people, though, but rather a response to the idea that I was, in fact, not alone. Really, the gay world is like any other. We are attracted to certain people, and others we are not. Certain relationships are meant to remain platonic, and others may go further than that. I probably doubted my own ability to be true friends with another gay man at points in my life, but having established such relationships has proven that it is possible, at least for myself.

We have to support each other, otherwise, who will. If we can't be friends with each other, than we don't stand a chance. There are certain things unique to the gay experience that only other gay men can know and relate to: coming out, accepting oneself, discrimination. That's why I value my friendships and welcome the emotional support and empathy that only they can provide. I'm glad to say that I have those kind of friends and that we can do all those things the way that close friends do without going any farther than that, without feeling the need to take it to the bedroom.

I really don't mind the questions. I find it rather amusing how people tend to gravitate towards these types of questions. Who's screwing who, who's cheating, who's after who's boyfriend? It is the endless soap opera of our lives. I had just gotten the questions at an alarming frequency as of late, which made me step back and think about it for a second.