Trying to Enjoy the Fruits of My Labor

Why is that we so often make life more difficult than it has to be? We create our own little worlds of drama and worry inside our own heads until it nearly drives us crazy with grief and anxiety. Is it really that difficult to just enjoy what we have, the things we've earned and the people that care about us without concerning ourselves with what we don't have or what those that don't care to be part of our lives?

I laid in my bed last evening in one of those states of unrest, knowing that I needed to fall asleep to rest for an early work day the next morning, but being unable to do so. I grabbed my i-pod laying next to me as always, my trusty companion occupying the empty space where a human companion did not. I am in one of those blue moods brought on by my own insecurities, my own worry and preoccupation with the past and things I cannot change, remembering less joyful times and the heartache of years past. My fingers turned the dial of the small black box in my palm to my ever-present muse of sadness, Lucinda Williams. Several months had passed since had touched on her name in the screen; but instantly, after seeing it, I knew what I wanted to hear.

I've been trying to enjoy all the fruits of my labor...she belts out, ever so heartfelt. She knows the complication of it, the desire to enjoy what we have, what we have toiled over and worked so hard for, to enjoy some small space of peace and contentment; but also how tainted it is by the incompleteness of our hearts, the constant unrest, the reality of imperfect and heart-broken lives. How easy it is to wallow in the sadness, to let the depression and defeat seep in and take over instead of allowing ourselves the joy of our accomplishment, to allow new love. The real courage comes in not allowing ourselves to fall into the trap, to not allow anyone else to have the power to control our emotions, to pull us down into the darkest parts of our hearts and minds.

The saddest part is that we do most of the damage to ourselves, trying to control the perception others have of us, people who should have no consequence on our sense of self-worth, staying in emotionally or physically draining relationships instead of having enough faith in our own worth to move on.

If we only allowed ourselves to be happy, if only we opened the velvet curtains, wouldn't life be so much simpler?