Is The “Whore Phase” a Required Rite of Passage?

I have a friend who insists that every gay man, when he has finally accepted who he is, goes through what he calls a “whore phase.” In other words, a period of time in which he has an inordinately large amount of sex with several, if not many, partners. To add to the idea, he insists that we must all get through this phase before we are able to truly settle down and be a good boyfriend or ‘husband.’ I can’t say that it is not true, as I seem to have gone through this phase myself when I finally separated from my partner of nearly 5 years. It was almost a rampage, and the more I engaged, the more it seemed I needed. And when I wasn’t out looking for something, it was like I was missing out, losing the opportunity for yet another new encounter. It was a restlessness that screamed “where will my next blow job come from. I can’t wait. I need more flesh!”

Alright, maybe that’s a little exaggerated. Although maybe not for everyone. I have spoken to several men that boast over a hundred partners before their mid twenties, and don’t think twice about it. One of the local college campuses here can seem like one large, cruisy locker room to hear some people talk about it. A blow-job in the 4th floor bathroom, a stolen embrace in the locker room at the school gym, an empty classroom and a condom kept in his backpack ‘just in case.’ And it’s not just on random occasions. For some of these guys, this is a daily occurrence, sometimes two or three times a day. I knew two guys that competed to see who could break the record for the most in one day (which ended up being four, by the way). Am I the only one who finds this a little disturbing?

Like I said, I can’t claim to be completely innocent of these types of actions. But at least I never let it go that far. And, thankfully, I was well over that within a few months and came out of it unscathed and free of any diseases. However, I fear that some of us never leave this phase, no matter how old we get. Men in their 50’s, even 60’s still out there looking for sex wherever they can, whenever they can. I know one gentleman in his late thirties, who has basically given up on the idea of finding someone to build a life with. I heard through the grapevine that he had said something to the effect of, “I’m probably an idiot for not dating him seriously, but I’m too much of a whore” (him being me). At least who knows where he stands I guess. But if we don’t move on from this constant sexual experiment, do we ever really mature?

I think that I certain amount of sexual experimentation is required for anyone, gay or straight, in order to determine what a person likes and dislikes, what makes him tick, what turns him on. Otherwise, how do we ever determine whether or not we really are gay or not? How are we supposed to know if we are bottoms or tops, versatile, if we have fetishes, etc., without trying it out first? Maybe it is in this search for who we are, sexually; that we eventually determine what type of person is best for us and who we would want to make a true partnership with. We just have to take that next leap in order to actually do it, though, and that’s where the growing up part comes in.

Is there anyone there that took a more traditional approach, though? Anyone who dated first, waited for the serious relationship before really diving into the sex part, and then sticking with that one person almost like a traditional marriage without ever really experimenting first? I do not personally know of any gay man that did things that way, so I don’t have an answer for that one. But then again, it doesn’t seem to be done this way even among straight folks these days.

Sex seems to be more accessible to the gay man, what with the proliferation of ‘hook-up’ websites and the general lack of inhibition in comparison to women in the bedroom. But if it's not a question of ‘getting some’ then why aren’t we more concerned with finding that special someone, that one person that we can be happy with. You would think it would be a comfort to find someone to have sex with that you really cared about, and that was there for you so that you didn’t have to go out and look for it all the time. Maybe that’s the paradox, though. Because it is so accessible, it’s not as much of an issue to find that one person to hold on to. There’s always another one around the corner.

I guess I’m going to have to agree with my friend for now. We may not all do it to the same degree or for the same length of time, but it seems that most of us go through this “whore phase” at one point or another in our lives, whether it’s to validate that we are attractive to other people, to experiment sexually, or simply because we can. What I am hoping, though, is that more of us make that leap into a more mature adulthood, finding valid partnerships and sticking with them. Or perhaps that’s just a little too idealistic of a dream. We’ll see.