When Are We Really Ready to Move On?

However short or long a relationship lasts, the bottom line is that no one should be able to tell you how long it should take for you to get over someone. Only you can know that, and only you know if you are truly ready to move on to something new. If there was a lot of emotion involved, if it was a serious relationship, then, frankly, losing someone special is a traumatic event. In many instances, it could be equated to someone close to you dying. It's the same or similar set of emotional responses. No one would question how long it should take to get over a death, so why should they question your ability to move on from an ended relationship?

The experience is filled with sadness, anger, and eventual acceptance, basically a grief response. I've gone through it several times. Sometimes, it took me just a few months to be ready to start over, and other times, it has taken me a very long time. The hardest part has simply been learning to be happy with myself regardless of having a partner or not. It is very difficult to calm the heart, to calm the soul and to be at peace with myself so that I can be in the right place for someone new, if that is meant to happen.

But how do you know if you're really ready? John Mayer, the noted singer-songwriter from Atlanta, has a song on his latest release called "In Repair" in which he questions his heart's readiness for a new love. He also questions whether he will ever be ready to love again. Perhaps this should be my theme song. Being in a transitional period relationship-wise has been one of the most confusing periods of my life. Everyone has good days and bad days. I know this, it is a fact of life. Knowing this doesn't make things any easier, however.

At the risk of exposing myself emotionally, I will tell you that the last relationship I was in left me the most hurt and the most unsure of myself of any relationship I have been in. I put a lot of effort and energy into the relationship, and once it was over, I felt deflated, so to speak, and extremely spent. So much so that with even the remote possibility of someone new being interested in anything more serious than a simple date or two, I have become so frightened at the prospect that I've essentially pushed them away. At one point, I was so scared of the idea of starting a new relationship, that by the end of a day of running the possibility through my mind, I had broken out on both sides of my body completely in hives. How can I ignore that? Never before have I been afraid to love or hesitant in any way to open my heart when I felt it was appropriate. But now, here I am so scared of the idea that I physically break out in hives. I want to love again, but how can I?

But what can be done? Perhaps there are times in our lives when being alone is the right situation. There are times when we must step back and take stock of where we are in our lives before bringing anyone new into them. I suppose that that is where I find myself at the moment. I don't have all the answers. I certainly don't know where I will end up in the next few years. All I can do, all any of us can do, is to take each day for what it is and hope that eventually I can accept love again and give it freely. But I cannot rely on anyone else to tell me when it is time for me to move on. I have to feel that it is right in my own heart and in my own mind before I venture into that world again. And the same goes for anyone else. It takes time, yes, and sometimes letting that time pass is the hardest thing to do, but it has to be done. I wish there were words that could comfort someone going through it, but I know from personal experience that there is nothing anyone can say that will make it any easier. In the end, you've just got to get through it yourself on your own terms.